I don’t really “go out” anymore. Since aquiring a full-time job and spending my entire wage on multiple soy lattes via drip feed and enormous rations of Charlesworth nuts that would put a squirrel to shame, I can’t afford it (weirdly) and am way too exhausted. I’m not missing out on much. Bacardi Breezers and indie-pop are both overly saccharine and with vomitous after-effects.
When I did tend to hit the town semi-frequently (oh those halcyon days!) there were a few factors of an evening that were a total drag and which made the entire exercise almost not worthwhile. These are the factors that I force myself to remember when curled (okay sprawled) on the sofa on a Saturday night amid a sea of Crunchie funsize wrappers while watching The Life Aquatic and having slightly fanciful feelings toward Bill Murray.
Reasons I hate bars. (I don’t have the time to list them all in alphabetical order – however, craving some sort of rhythm, today’s segment is brought to you by the letter B. I am the curator of my own life.)
- Bouncers
- Barflies
- Bros
- Barfing
- Bruises
- Broken hearts
- Bacardi Breezers
- Belle and Sebastian
- Bags
Yep, bags. I hate hanging onto them. I hate having to make sure that some depraved anti-socialised lunatic hasn’t nicked off with all my worldly possessions (pickpocketing happens in bars! Also, sometimes we get really drunk and lose our stuff!). Can I add that bags are a bummer to wear when you’re trying to bust a half-decent shuff on the D-floor, and I hate leaving my stuff on the dirty ground!
Fortunately, an amazing and talented woman has come to the rescue. Meet Elizabeth Anne, the benevolent genius behind Purse N’ Boots. Is it a shoe? Is it a handbag? Yes and yes! It’s a shoe with an inbuilt handbag functionality! You read me right. These boots are made for hoarding!
Directly from Elizabeth Anne’s website: “Each boot has a special purpose and hidden surprise. Your left boot has a pocket designed specifically to fit the iPhone, Blackberry, and any other phone of that size. Your right boot has a special built-in wallet that is perfect for credit cards, ID, folded cash and even loose change.”
Now, I am kind of struggling with the thought of shoving my hands down my boots every time I want to send a text, buy a drink or produce the necessary identification to prove I’m not a teenage runaway… But as the pockets are up the top, the move could be performed in a single, dignified manoeuvre with just a little practice.
I think I like the boots. They have a cute little butterfly adornment (I’d like to think this symbolises freedom) and are a nice classic cut. I think they have the capacity to be kind of revolutionary. I did a little research on handbags as an oppressor of women, and uncovered this questionable skit which depicts a man in a wig frantically digging around in a bag, in what I’d call a figurative dig at girls for carrying around so much literal baggage. (For a more intelligent analysis of the bizarre ‘Shit Girls Say’ phenomenon, see this article by Dunja Nedic.)
I say free yourself. Grab a pair of Purse N’ Boots (they’re cute and punny). Using a shoe-bag is infinitely classier than shoving your valuables down your bra (guilty).
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