ghost dick
Not too long ago, I was minding my own business on my Twitter feed when Paulilu Mixtape posted a short video starring Olivia Munn titled ‘Ghost Tits.’ Incensed by the title, assuming anyone brazen enough to use the word “tits” in their header could only produce something of mind numbing idiocy, here I was proven correct.
What followed was about five minutes of stunned horror that I will never get back.
Go and watch it. I’m warning you though, you’ll be angry. Really angry. Put something nearby that you can punch without hurting yourself, like a pillow or a bag of marshmallows. If you aren’t angered by it, then feel free to run along as you certainly won’t be amused at what I have to say about it, and I’ve realised we probably don’t have as much in common as we first thought, and yes this date is over.
OK, go on now, it’s here:
Rather than tearing apart the obvious flaws of this type of comedy, I propose my own narrative.
Watch this video and replace the word “tits” with “dick”.
Now imagine a world where that video, which we shall call “Ghost Dick”, would not only get made from such a hefty budget, but promoted by countless magazines and blogs. The vast majority of YouTube commentors crying out for a feature length film, the crowd going wild. Yeah, funny, neither can I.
Let’s revisit some of those classic phrases, with our newly renovated narrative.
Man: ‘You know how to apply my make-up’
Woman: ‘I like it better when you do it’
WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU LOVED…
Man: ‘What’s the occasion?’
Woman: ‘You’
[Presents man with tiny tighty whiteys]
Man: ‘Awh, you’re the best’
EVERYTHING YOU HELD DEAR…
[Stares at photo of boyfriend’s crotch]
Woman: ‘God, I’m so lucky.’
[Falls asleep, staring at picture of man’s penis bulge next to the bed]
CHANGED FOREVER.
[Cut to shot of man’s penis shriveling in his shorts, deflating, if you will.]
Woman: ‘Whoa, what happened?’
Man: ‘What?’
Woman: ‘Your dick got small’
Man: ‘It’s always been this size.’
[Cue next scene]
Woman: ‘Why’d you change the picture?’
Man: ‘I didn’t change anything.’
[With friends]
Woman: Bobby’s dick, it’s always been big, right?
Friend 1: ‘No’
Friend 2: ‘Yeah, he has a tiny dick.’
Woman: ‘Guys, he had a big dick yesterday and now it’s gone.’
Friend 3: ‘It didn’t disappear yesterday; it was always gone.’
Woman: ‘Dicks can’t just disappear.’
Friend 4 (“diversity” tag friend): ‘The truth is, he has no dick.’
[Woman punches her friends in a rage, etc.]
You can see the abundance of stereotypes when its written down in the opposite: Women hold sexual power which the withdraw/withhold from men to satisfy their “evil” whims. Women are so manipulative they’d get rid of their fun chest pillows just to be “mean” to the ever suffering dudes. Men are so pathetic they need women to do simple tasks for them like tie their ties, and women are so pathetic they think that it’s cute. Men are so shallow and filled with rage that they would rather punch their friends than accept their girlfriend might not have giant breasts. Men are stupid and only care about what’s on their girlfriend’s chest, not anything else about her.
You could write a thesis on what’s wrong with this video.
That this video was made in the first place is only one of its disturbing aspects. When I first watched it, it had been seen by 300 people. I went back one day later to show a friend what a train wreck of misogyny it was, and it had been viewed more than a million times already. A million. Think about it. More than a million people were instantly infected with the crass idea that one of the worst things that can happen to a man is that his girlfriend’s breasts are small.
[Punching bag of marshmallows now destroyed. Icing sugar and puffy carnage everywhere.]
This made me think of Dan Dennett’s brilliant TED talk, ‘Dangerous Memes’, filmed in 2002, on the caution that should be taken in believing in the unending power of the internet to transmit ideas: not all ideas are good; dangerous ideas spread too, and often most pervasively, as they’re “just funny”, or “just comedy, shut up” or my favourite “why do you have to think about this stuff and ruin everything?”
Hopefully you take more away from the Dennett video than you do of the stupid one.
By Audrey K. Hulm
Hi. I’m a feminist and I thought that was super funny!!
I also think the dick one would be too!
I also really think there are better things to pick on.
Carry on!
I’d seen this earlier, and to play devil’s advocate, I thought it was pretty hilarious- and I definitely self-identify as a feminist.
I can see why lots of people would hate it and I totally get your point. It wasn’t my immediate reaction, though. I don’t know, maybe I should feel ‘less feminist’ for liking it before I was told that no, I shouldn’t laugh at things like that? Dunno. It’s an interesting point.
(PS: I suppose one of the reasons I thought it was hilarious was that in my opinion, it was a parody, so not to be taken seriously- in a way, laughing at how stupid the man’s obsession with breasts is).
wow. You need a hobby or something if you’ve got this much spare time.
Rather than me arguing, i think you should post this on the YouTube vid and let the people of YouTube tear your argument to pieces on behalf of me.
Lighten up.
This video isn’t a documentary, it’s just a joke!
As a woman I found it pretty funny and didn’t find it offensive at all.
I think its feminist comments like these that give feminism its bad connotations. This video is a spoof, and is meant to be taken lightly. While the humour is pretty silly and ridiculous, it’s not about patronizing women. I’m sure if ‘Ghost Dick’ had been made, it would have been equally funny and there wouldn’t be any uproar about it.
Women need to have a laugh too sometimes. Why be so serious?
THANK YOU for writing this. You are not the only one who thinks this way. I don’t know what is wrong with everyone saying ‘this is just a joke’ etc. I get that it’s meant to be a joke. I just can’t find it funny. Because this isn’t just a joke about something that would never happen, it ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN.
I’m thinking about the number of women who have critical breast cancer (about 18,000 women every year in the UK) and literally do wake up and find their breasts have disappeared, because they’ve had them removed. To save their lives. How awful is it to think that when something like that happens, you should be worried about your loss being your boyfriend’s worst nightmare?
Or what about being flat chested in the first place? Are you off the market automatically?
Even as a joke, if you don’t consider the breast cancer thing, it’s still so overtly offensive toward ALL women. Because it’s saying that women who are flat chested have no value as girlfriends (and therefore as women), and women with nice large breasts are only valued by their breasts anyway. If they lost them they’d lose their value.
Girls, please think about it. Are you so ready to dismiss this as funny when it’s completely undermining your value? Why do you think it’s funny? It’s funny because it has a ring of truth to it. That’s quite sad.