Not too long ago, I was minding my own business on my Twitter feed when Paulilu Mixtape posted a short video starring Olivia Munn titled ‘Ghost Tits.’ Incensed by the title, assuming anyone brazen enough to use the word “tits” in their header could only produce something of mind numbing idiocy, here I was proven correct.
What followed was about five minutes of stunned horror that I will never get back.
Go and watch it. I’m warning you though, you’ll be angry. Really angry. Put something nearby that you can punch without hurting yourself, like a pillow or a bag of marshmallows. If you aren’t angered by it, then feel free to run along as you certainly won’t be amused at what I have to say about it, and I’ve realised we probably don’t have as much in common as we first thought, and yes this date is over.
OK, go on now, it’s here:
Rather than tearing apart the obvious flaws of this type of comedy, I propose my own narrative.
Watch this video and replace the word “tits” with “dick”.
Now imagine a world where that video, which we shall call “Ghost Dick”, would not only get made from such a hefty budget, but promoted by countless magazines and blogs. The vast majority of YouTube commentors crying out for a feature length film, the crowd going wild. Yeah, funny, neither can I.
Let’s revisit some of those classic phrases, with our newly renovated narrative.
Man: ‘You know how to apply my make-up’
Woman: ‘I like it better when you do it’
WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU LOVED…
Man: ‘What’s the occasion?’
[Presents man with tiny tighty whiteys]
Man: ‘Awh, you’re the best’
EVERYTHING YOU HELD DEAR…
[Stares at photo of boyfriend’s crotch]
Woman: ‘God, I’m so lucky.’
[Falls asleep, staring at picture of man’s penis bulge next to the bed]
[Cut to shot of man’s penis shriveling in his shorts, deflating, if you will.]
Woman: ‘Whoa, what happened?’
Woman: ‘Your dick got small’
Man: ‘It’s always been this size.’
[Cue next scene]
Woman: ‘Why’d you change the picture?’
Man: ‘I didn’t change anything.’
Woman: Bobby’s dick, it’s always been big, right?
Friend 1: ‘No’
Friend 2: ‘Yeah, he has a tiny dick.’
Woman: ‘Guys, he had a big dick yesterday and now it’s gone.’
Friend 3: ‘It didn’t disappear yesterday; it was always gone.’
Woman: ‘Dicks can’t just disappear.’
Friend 4 (“diversity” tag friend): ‘The truth is, he has no dick.’
[Woman punches her friends in a rage, etc.]
You can see the abundance of stereotypes when its written down in the opposite: Women hold sexual power which the withdraw/withhold from men to satisfy their “evil” whims. Women are so manipulative they’d get rid of their fun chest pillows just to be “mean” to the ever suffering dudes. Men are so pathetic they need women to do simple tasks for them like tie their ties, and women are so pathetic they think that it’s cute. Men are so shallow and filled with rage that they would rather punch their friends than accept their girlfriend might not have giant breasts. Men are stupid and only care about what’s on their girlfriend’s chest, not anything else about her.
You could write a thesis on what’s wrong with this video.
That this video was made in the first place is only one of its disturbing aspects. When I first watched it, it had been seen by 300 people. I went back one day later to show a friend what a train wreck of misogyny it was, and it had been viewed more than a million times already. A million. Think about it. More than a million people were instantly infected with the crass idea that one of the worst things that can happen to a man is that his girlfriend’s breasts are small.
[Punching bag of marshmallows now destroyed. Icing sugar and puffy carnage everywhere.]
This made me think of Dan Dennett’s brilliant TED talk, ‘Dangerous Memes’, filmed in 2002, on the caution that should be taken in believing in the unending power of the internet to transmit ideas: not all ideas are good; dangerous ideas spread too, and often most pervasively, as they’re “just funny”, or “just comedy, shut up” or my favourite “why do you have to think about this stuff and ruin everything?”
Hopefully you take more away from the Dennett video than you do of the stupid one.
By Audrey K. Hulm