love out loud: advice from my parents

People’s reactions to being written about tend to vary, but with my recent focus predominantly being on relationships and music, many of my loved ones have managed to fly under the radar.

For my parents, the exploitation is dormant no more.

While I was studying in the U.S., I undertook a subject by correspondence to do with human sexuality. For one of my many must-be-a-joke assignments, I had to interview a married individual and ask them semi-invasive questions. So under the guise of schoolwork, I decided to pick both my parents’ brains/feelings/whatever.

Without getting into some kind of Nedic Family History Love Fest, I’ll simply paint my parents’ credentials as follows: this Sunday is their 23rd wedding anniversary, and my dad still sends my mum emails containing nothing but repeated declarations of love when she’s off travelling for work (something I was disgusted by in my early teen years, until my spinster aunt and her spinster friends [figuratively] smacked me over the head and told me that I have no idea how special it is to find someone who’ll be sending you messages like that after many years of marriage).

So here are a few things that might be worth considering if/when you’re thinking about committing to someone.

• Choose someone nice who you love and who loves you.
  At present, I often (but not exclusively) describe people as nice because I find them a bit boring and can’t think of anything else to say about them. But nice is not boring. Nice is good.

• Marry when you see the real person, not your image of him/her while you are in the honeymoon period.
  It’s easy to make excuses for someone who you think is a babe, but if you find that you are making excuses (or if your friends all hate the person), it might be worth reassessing whether you’re really seeing them as they are.

• Be sure that this is the person you want children with and that he/she will be a good parent.
  Granted, it is difficult to give someone a test run as a parent, because as far as I’m aware, there are no legal Rent-a-Kid agencies in operation, but it’s far easier to dismiss someone’s poor treatment of you than it is to think about them behaving in such a way toward your crib midgets. If nothing else, remember that if you procreate with someone, you will have to see that person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (and make sure you point that out to anyone who doesn’t want to use protection).

• If someone is drinking a bit much or is a bit jealous or lazy, don’t think it will get better.  “Little odd things” about him/her, just become “big odd things” when you are not blinded by love any more.
  Sure, things aren’t always going to be smooth sailing, but if there are some things you know you don’t want to deal with (whether it be substance abuse or not cleaning up after themselves), then it’s going to save you both a lot of trouble if you end things early. Everyone has his or her own swag of baggage, but your only responsibility is your own. It’s not up to you to rescue another person.

• See how they behave in tough times.
  If someone’s conflict resolution style sucks, or is otherwise incompatible with yours, it’s probably not going to work. A relationship that is based on the premise of not-fighting is likely doomed to fail. Repeat after me: ceaseless arguments are not indicative of passion, they are indicative of dysfunction.

• Sex is not as important as people think.
  With age comes stress and fatigue. You might be having great make-up sex after fighting now, but one day, that’ll just be fighting. And stress and fatigue.

• Be sensible, but it comes back to finding a good person.
  In other words, if you’ve found a good egg, be sensible. If you’ve found a bad egg, be sensible and get out.

(Image credits: 1.)