‘Long distance love is the answer to lasting happiness,’ sad a Spanish teacher I once had. In a speech entirely unrelated to the acquisition of a language, she told us that it’s the eternal honeymoon: no housework, no shared financial dramas, no need for ‘space’. And when you do see each other, she slyly said, there is a lot of touching to catch up on.
Most people want to undermine long distance relationships, saying they don’t really test the relationship or show whether you’re truly compatible living together, or even in close proximity. All of this is true, but it also adheres to the idea that that’s what every relationship needs to look like, as though marriage or at least cohabitation should always be the goal.
A year ago, my deported then-boyfriend was allowed back into the country. We broke up shortly afterwards but it occurred to me that had he not come back, our long distance relationship probably could have continued for far longer. He mailed me collages and I called him to ramble after I’d been out drinking, and the time difference ensured he did not know it was a drunk dial. I missed him but I got used to it, and our liberal attitudes toward meeting other people meant that I rarely felt lonely or trapped.
Having my feelings tied up in someone who was on the other side of the Pacific wasn’t ideal, but it was an arrangement I was particularly well suited to at the time. He essentially became a sexually desirable friend who I could tell my secrets to. We didn’t know what would happen when he came back, or if he ever even would, but I appreciated it for what it was, not what it might become one day.
I doubt that anyone would say that long distance relationships aren’t hard, but it’s not as though partners in close proximity are exempt from problems. Living apart from someone you care about has its own set of complications, but that doesn’t mean it’s a type of relationship that should be denounced by definition. A successful relationship and a long distance one are not mutually exclusive, and if being apart is an arrangement that works for the parties involved, then there’s no reason to criticise a partnership that functions between countries, even if it only functions from overseas.
Every relationship we ever have except for one, maybe, is going to end. That may be a compelling reason as to why we shouldn’t waste our time on someone who’s far away, especially while we’re young, and long distance relationships seem to inherently imply tedium, adultery and a squandered youth, after all. But it’s only a problem if those involved indeed see it this way.
Couples need to make their own rules, but there is no reason that long distance relationships shouldn’t be pursued just as hard as those with people living nearby, if it’s not to anyone’s detriment. Especially when the person in question lives in a desirable location. Who wouldn’t love a reason to regularly visit Switzerland or Panama?
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I think this is absolutely true. I feel that just because that person is far away it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stop caring about, or loving them, because they are still that person that you adore.
A friend of mine got married last year and she was telling me that people were saying comments such as “wait til it sinks in” and other things that were quite demeaning to her relationship, suggesting that they won’t be happy once their married. I feel that it’s no one’s business to comment on your relationship if you are safe, happy and it’s working for you.
I think it’s very true that people just need to find a relationship that works for them, which will depend on what else is going on in their lives at the time. Monogamy, polyamory, long-distance, living together… It should depend entirely on the people involved in the relationship, and no-one else.
Plus, I could totally do with a reason to jaunt off to an overseas location every now and again!
In all honesty what is your definition of relationship?
Friends? Friends with “benefits”? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Fiance? Married?
NEXT question…
Faithful or unfaithful? These days the latter seems to be the go.
If you are speaking in terms of loyalty, my opinion starts here….
Indeed long distance relationships can be successful ONLY providing that the individuals have the necessary pre-requisites that they don’t forsee to be an issue.
I’ll take for example, having no physical affection or intamacy from that all important person…
after all, as the quote says “Actions speak louder than words” There are sound limitations when it comes to the ability of words when maintaining a bond between two people. Is it really possible for words to be enough to keep 2 people content and faithful to one another?
Human touch has abilities of its own and in my opinion are far more consuming than that of words. Hence why so many individuals are caught up in emotional or purely physical situations where the person they “love” and the person they have intimate relations with are 2 (or more) different people. When the physical aspect of a relationship disappears what is left? The desire to find it!
So my point be this… A distant relationship is the toughest level of the biggest game. If 2 people in close proximity cannot make their relationship work when intimacy IS readily available, how is it possible to maintain a relationship where it is completely absent?
A question…If a fullfilling relationship in all aspects was available at close proximity, would you choose against for the sake of a relationship of words?
It is simple….Needs and desires will always conquer whatever you think you can, or will do. It is human nature.
Amanda,
Thanks for your comment. You make some interesting points, but it assumes that everyone has the desire to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who is proximately available. Certainly, this seems to be the ideal for most people, and that is perfectly fine, but my central point in this article is that it won’t necessarily be for everyone and we shouldn’t undermine someone else’s ideals simply because they are not the same as our own.
As for what constitutes a relationship, I was writing of romantic relationships but that doesn’t make any suppositions about what kind of arrangement would work best for two people. If everyone concerned has agreed to and is happy with having separate emotional and physical connections, then I don’t really see a problem with that either.
I know of very few long distance relationships that weren’t simply short term solutions to having to be apart from the person you’re with for a period of time, and even many of those failed (probably because those involved couldn’t reconcile themselves to not having the physical aspect you talk about). I don’t deny that this is probably for a reason, but where it does work, then I don’t think that such a relationship should be seen as somehow lesser to those that are working when two people are living near one another.
[...] I’ve previously written about long distance relationships and although I do believe that everyone has to decide what’s right for them, my default attitude toward LDRs had been that they’re too much stress and pain and bound to fail, especially when you’re young. And yet, here I am. My boyfriend is interstate, and moreover, my plans for the future have changed. [...]