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straight, white men fed up with being discriminated against

 

MELBOURNE—A cluster of straight white men dragged themselves away from their computer screens on Wednesday night to attend the inaugural ‘Straight White Men Who Are Fed Up With Being Discriminated Against’ rally. It was an event eagerly awaited by tens of thousands of vexed straight white men throughout the Internet.

A hot-tempered yet enthusiastic crowd poured into the limited spacing that The Roxburgh Park Hotel All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet offered them in anticipation of meeting likeminded individuals, discussing trivial ‘issues’ and going to town on the selection of rotisserie chicken. ‘I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen since I saw Clementine Ford’s Facebook page yesterday afternoon,’ said Alex Russell, a resident of Bendigo. Russell drove nearly two hours to attend the rally. ‘My mate Darren was raving about it, and what she’s doing is claiming a very small sphere of the Internet that’s not for us, so we made a real effort to be here tonight.’

The main guy asserts his self-appointed position as ‘the main guy’ by banging his spork against a champagne flute filled with jelly and whipped cream. ‘We are very appreciative that we have received the reassurance we needed – that there are people out there who have had enough of this suffocation,’ said the main guy. ‘It gave us the inspiration we needed to get this going. We refuse to be pigeonholed by the unreasonable, unhumorous and unattractive feminist population,’ he added without a hint of irony. A wild round of applause ensued.

The main guy took to the floor, to find out just what made these vexed straight white men so vexed. ‘I don’t feel safe leaving disparaging comments about Beyoncé’s appearance on YouTube late at night. The Internet is not a safe place for my valuable straight- white-guy opinions,’ said Dandenong resident John Green through muffled tears. ‘Another user called me an idiot, it was really hurtful.’ He went on to add that if he were married to Beyoncé, he would have cheated on her too, as he spilt rotisserie chicken down the front of a grey t-shirt looking as if it hadn’t been washed in weeks, maybe even months.

Brighton local Dan Smith said he felt ‘absolutely mortified’ when he caught a glimpse of a female co-workers payslip and came to the realisation that they were being paid the same wage, even though he shows up to work male every day.

The guy that stood silently yet authoritatively next to the main guy at all times slammed his fists down on the bistro table down in a fit of passion. ‘My father is an unapologetic jerk’, he bellowed. ‘So was his father, and his father before that. We all sit around guffawing at our own self-perceived excellence. Complacency is one of my family’s greatest longstanding traditions, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand idly by and allow critical self-evaluation to come in and destroy decades of bigoted pride.’ The secondary applause was deafening.

‘You know – since we came up with this idea, we had unreasonably high expectations of how it would turn out,’ said their fearless leader. ‘As for me, I’m somewhat thankful for what we’ve achieved here this evening. All we want, is to say and do all the things that we continually insist on saying and doing, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask,’ he said, a tear rolling down his white male cheek. ‘We are finally headed in the right direction’ he concluded, as the crowd made their way to stuff their pockets full of donuts for the long ride home.

6 thoughts on “straight, white men fed up with being discriminated against

  1. If men consistently attain worse outcomes in many areas – suicide rates, educational outcomes, health outcomes, homelessness, unemployment, death by homicide – surely these are due to structural factors in society? Just as when women attain worse outcomes – eg pay – the same argument would be made? Do you really think the 0.1% of the population who have real power (and who are white and male) have any interest in looking out for the interests of other white males? Doesn’t all evidence suggest that rather the 0.1% with power instrumentally use other white men – especially socioeconomically disadvantaged white men – to maintain their own power (eg WWI, WWII, Vietnam War, sending men down coal mines, etc, etc, etc)? Why is it a problem if (working class) white men pointed some of these things out? Why does that deserve caricaturing? Why such othering?

    • This is not about the 0.1% or suicide rates. The men being referred to are people that have self-appointed themselves higher in society without any merit except for their born gender and skin colour. And yes they do exist, and they can be very nasty people. I’m sorry to say, but in this particular case your points are really just irrelevant reasons to poke holes in satire articles. Anyone who this article is not referring to (including me, a straight white male) should automatically know that it is not referring to them. If someone takes offence by this than maybe their priorities need to be rethought.

    • These poor outcomes for men are due to precisely the same thing that is the root of anti-female sexism: rigid gender strreopyoes that celebrate the ‘masculine’ and denigrate the ‘feminine’. Here are 4 common masculine norms: “avoid all things feminine” Pejorative terms, such as “sissy,” “wimp,” and “whipped” are regularly used to label males who are judged as acting “feminine” and are often an effective deterrent against future violations of the norm. “be a winner” Men gain the approval of others when they make their careers a priority and pursue occupational fields such as corporate management and politics, which offer opportunities to increase their social and economic status. Men who pursue fields that offer fewer opportunities for such status enhancement are far less likely be admired. “show no chinks in the armour” Physical toughness means never shrinking from the threat of physical harm; while displaying emotional toughness requires that men conceal such emotions as fear, sadness, nervousness, and uncertainty. “be one of the boys” a man’s man is required to demonstrate that he prefers the company of men over the company of women. He must also participate in stereotypically masculine activities or pastimes. Conformity to gender norms means repressing an aspect of one’s personality. For men the price of compliance can include poor psychological and physical health. Many men place a priority on career advancement, sacrifcing relationships with family, spouses, and friends—relationships that not only improve quality of life but that can also offer an important source of psychological support in times of stress. Conformity to masculine norms related to emotional control or toughness can limit men’s ability to acknowledge and seek help for problems such as depression, anxiety, and illness.

  2. This article is fantastic…Point made without any need for commentary. This perfectly highlights the ignorant and illogical argument of those who – concerned purely with self-preservation – resist equality.

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