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period pieces: how to make a toilet paper pad

Period Pieces is upcoming Melbourne Fringe Festival comedian Loani Armans hilarious series on menstruation. Be sure to check Lip for new instalments every Wednesday.

Image: Dcoetzee

Image: Dcoetzee

Ask me for a painkiller and I’ve got 100 paracetamol tablets in my bag. I could deal that shit. Need some noodles? I’ve got you covered. There’s a 10 pack of Mie Ayam in my pantry with your name on it. Want some of those sticky things that go behind those removable hooks for your wall, even though you don’t have any of the hooks anymore? Look in my kitchen drawer. There are five of them in there.

If you need anything you don’t actually need, then I’m your girl.

But ask me for a tampon or pad, and I’ll come up short.

Despite my period showing up every month like clockwork and sticking around for exactly three and a half days; despite my drawing a big fat red P in my diary or setting my period tracker app to remind me that I’m due, every time my period comes a-knockin’, I’m never ready armed with protection. Ever.

So what do I do when I get my period? I make myself a TOILET PAPER PAD!

For those readers who are way better at being an adult than I am and have mastered the art of routinely buying sanitary products when they do their weekly shop, you may not know what a toilet paper pad is. Don’t worry. I’m here to help.

A toilet paper pad sounds simple enough. Surely thats just a bit of toilet paper stuck into your undies, right? WRONG. There is a fine art to making a good toilet paper pad.

Amateurs will simply put a small amount of paper (the same amount they would use to wipe a wee) and shove that quickly into their undies. These rookies will soon realise that toilet paper hasn’t been designed to absorb and hold blood so leakage is a major concern here.

Others might get cocky with the toilet paper pad – how hard could it be? – and will shove so many handfuls of toilet paper into their undies that strangers will worry that they’ve developed elephantiasis of the labia.

Another common mistake is not taking care when placing the toilet paper. A toilet paper pad that is not carefully positioned will lead to a little thing I like to call ‘my toilet paper pad fell out as I was getting on the bus’.

If you want to save yourself from period accidents like this, then here are a few simple tips to making the perfect toilet paper pad.

A)   Fold, do NOT scrunch. Folding layers of toilet paper together will offer maximum absorbency;

B)   Place your temporary pad over the crotch of your undies; and

*This next step is crucial, so readers please pay careful attention!!

C) Take a piece of chewed up chewing gum and use that to secure your toilet pad pad to your undies. If you don’t have any chewing gum, you may find that staples, super glue or cement will hold your new pad in place.

You’re welcome, readers.

 

Want to read more bloody good articles from Loani? Check out the rest of her Period Pieces here.

Loani Arman is a writer and comedian whose new stand up show, LOANI ARMAN: Period, opens at Melbourne Fringe on Sept 26. For more information, visit her Facebook page.

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