fat sexuality

I recently realised I am still hyper aware of my body and how it can be perceived. I don’t know if this will ever change. If I am going out anywhere, I make sure I ‘dress to impress’, because I want to create some sort of impression on people. I still care about what strangers think of me.

Except at the pool. At the pool, I don’t care if I haven’t ‘maintained’ my bikini line, shaved my legs or underarms or have clean hair. I just swim. Lately, I don’t even care about people (gasp!) seeing me in my togs, (gasp!). For goodness sake, today, I picked a tog wedgie out of my butt in full view of the buff guy in his Speedos and I didn’t even care, except to find it kind of funny.

I find it perplexing that I care so much about what people think and what I look like when I’m dressed up and fully clothed and don’t care so much when I’m not wearing much clothing. I wonder why exactly that is. I think I need to examine it some more.

I think, maybe, it might tie into my personal perceptions of what is sexy regarding my body. Fat women’s bodies are usually given one of two extremes in mainstream media – they’re ignored completely or they’re sexualised to a fetishised degree. How often do the media represent the stereotype of the ‘Fat Best Friend’ or the ‘BBW Dominatrix’ as something to be (a) ignored or (b) ridiculed? It’s incredibly difficult to find a happy medium between the two perceptions in the media, or to find any form of normalisation of fat bodies and sexuality in the mainstream.

I don’t feel ‘sexy’ when I’m in my togs and swimming (despite there being very little covering of my body) instead, I feel powerful. I’m marveling at how many laps I can do, I’m completely focused on what I’m doing and achieving. Therefore, I don’t want any attention from anyone. But when I’m fully dressed to go out, makeup, clothing, perfumed, I care about how I’m perceived. I want attention, but I don’t. I want to be seen as attractive, but I also don’t want that to be the only thing I’m seen as. It’s confusing, and frankly, kind of tiring. I’d love that pool-me to be the all-the-time-me.

I’m still working out who I am and how that relates to my sexuality. I’m still not entirely comfortable expressing it. I’d like to be.

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