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in defence of g-strings

When I was young I thought the most outrageous thing a girl could do was wear black underwear. This belief formed itself in my naïve little mind after watching 10 Things I Hate About You at a sleepover in Grade 5. You know the scene I’m talking about. Resident hottie, Bianca Stratford, and baby-faced Cameron (Joseph Gorden-Levitt pre-creepy-Looper-face-mutation) are rummaging through the drawers of Bianca’s sister Kat. They discover a pair of black panties. Bianca, with the misguided, knowing air of someone who thinks that everything written in Dolly Doctor is fact, proclaims that a girl who owns black panties must want someone to see them. She is clearly a massive skank. Duh!

My malleable young mind held onto this scene and for a while I thought that black underwear must logically equal sex and promiscuity. I ooo-ed and ah-ed when my friends told me they saw so-and-so wearing black undies in the girls change rooms and I blushed when my mum took me bra shopping and pointed to the black lacy section. My twelve-year-old self was horrified and I assured my mum, much to her confusion, that I would never wear black undies. Eventually I grew up, watched some more movies and worked out that black underwear is just…wait for it…black underwear.

But I was reminded of the scene from 10 Things I Hate About You recently after a misunderstanding about my underwear. I was at a friend’s birthday party and I was loudly and drunkenly proclaiming the benefits of the g-string. My friends were skeptical. They had had bad experiences with g-strings and always found them uncomfortable. I declared that I was wearing a g-string and had never felt any discomfort after soldiering through the initial I’ve-got-a-perpetual-wedgie mentality.

Later that night one of the boys in the group approached me and asked if I would like to go home with him. I politely declined/ran away. The next day, over debrief coffee and cake, my friend explained that the boy had assumed I was keen for casual sex because I was wearing a g-string. He heard ‘g-string’ and immediately thought ‘sex’ just as my pre-teen self had heard ‘black undies’ and thought ‘sex’. The poor guy was a little confused by my rejection. Apparently he had asked my friend: ‘G-string means she on the prowl, right?’

Well, dear sir, if you really want to know, the reason I wore a g-string that night was because I was wearing particularly tight (and awesome) pants and I wanted to avoid an unattractive panty line. My reasons were purely aesthetic.

Of course there are styles of g-strings which are designed with sex and foreplay in mind. You can get lacy g-strings, brightly coloured animal-print g-strings and even g-strings with a bit of bling bling attached (although why you would want a row of sequins wedged between your butt cheeks is beyond me). But a g-string is not just for a cheeky romp. In fact g-strings can be used in any number of fun ways if you just think outside the box (pun intended). Here are my top ten non-sexual uses for g-strings:

1. Tourniquet. G-strings can come in handy if, for example, you are bitten by a snake and need to stop the spread of venom. Eat your heart out, Bear Grylls!

2. Sling shot. I would be much more inclined to read the Bible if David used a g-string to take down Goliath.

3. Book mark. NB: remember to remove your g-string before lending the book to anyone.

4. Tea strainer. Lacy g-strings will work best for this option.

5. Gardening. People use stockings to tie up tomato vines right? I know nothing about gardening but I’m sure g-strings could be put to good use.

6. Accessories for your pets. Find your prettiest g-string and transform a boring, old collar into a stylish necklace for your pet.

7. Headband. Why not turn your g-strings into a fascinator for the races? Girls seem to flash their underwear at the races anyway.

8. Men’s pocket squares. Gentlemen, if you can’t find a handkerchief why not fold a g-string into a triangle and slip that inside your blazer pocket?

9. In movies people are always tying bed sheets together to escape from tall towers etc. Has anyone ever tried g-strings?

10. Finally, g-strings make excellent masks. You know those people who sit next to you on public transport and cough all over you? Grab a g-string, preferably a clean one, and wear it as a mask. Not only will it prevent the spread of germs but it will probably deter anyone from sitting next to you in the first place.

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