in my opinion: why having a wife and being sexist are mutually exclusive
Well, what a week! As a proud vagina owner, I think I can safely speak out on behalf of all women and say that, well, don’t we all have egg on our face! As women, we have long thought we’d legitimately been given reason to be generally unimpressed and disapproving of Tony Abbott and his views on the members of his constituency who are unfortunate enough to not be male. In the past, dear old Tony has shown deep concern as to what will happen if women refuse to do the ironing and has emphasised his beliefs regarding female virginity as a precious gift, to be given with much consideration and thought as opposed to flung carelessly into the penis ether. I mean, Tony just wants to make sure we all know how closely tied our self worth and unbroken hymens are. What a gentleman!
This week proved those of us toting labias wrong. Tony, who is evidently growing weary of the tiresome accusations of being “sexist” or “misogynistic”, felt compelled to have his wife, Margie, speak out to prove to all us wronged women that we are simply wrong. That our concerns regarding Tony’s attitudes towards us are wrong, and we should never try to tell her that ‘my husband of 24 years and the father of three daughters is on some anti-women crusade. It simply isn’t true’. So why not take now as an opportunity to determine how Abbott’s past behaviours haven’t been acts of ingrained sexism, setting out to remove women’s entitlements, and are instead simply acts of love, brought about by a serious concern that we’re too busy being overwhelmed by our emotions to have any real comprehension as to what is going on.
1. Abortions!? Who needs them?
This one was a real doozy. Abortions, murder – where do we draw the line? However, the answer is obvious – should you be a good girl and keep those legs closed until you actively choose to grow a human being inside of you (do try to be married first though, won’t you. Being a single mother is terribly uncool and immoral), you won’t have any problems! Tony rightfully notes how abortions are in danger of becoming a simple matter of convenience and if we legalise it, women may very well feel like they can pop in for an abortion whenever they feel like it. (Imagine if it was as easy as just taking a pill! Quelle horreur!) As it is, it seems to me like women are far too busy tearing apart the fragile fabric of society, what with their mollusc resembling genitals and wanting the simple ability to be able to walk places BY THEMSELVES. DON’T THEY KNOW IT’S A DANGEROUS WORLD OUT THERE? Just for the information of women out there who would like to keep a handy copy of Tony’s ideas on abortion and morality (they’re mutually exclusive, people), you can handily find it on his website here! (Bookmark that shit, ladies, T-bag knows his stuff).
2. Leadership roles?! Don’t be silly, the womenz can’t delegate!
Dear Tony, no doubt a physiological expert, was pulled up by none other than our Prime Minister Julia Gillard for suggesting that men and women are simply too different, and that perhaps lady bits can inhibit someone from, for example, leading a country! Bang on the money, Tone! We all certainly heard AND witnessed our Prime Minister banging on like the unmarried harpy that she is, something that certainly wouldn’t have happened had a man been running the show. Women and authority are about as suited as Tony and boardshorts! I mean, as a woman myself, I know what he means – I feel exhausted just THINKING about running anything, let alone a business. Best we take Tony’s advice and skip back to the kitchen, where the only thing we can dominate is an oven, amirite?
3. Marriage and family?! Having a wife and daughters is a prerequisite for Not Being A Misogynist!
Tony’s darling wife, Margie, was very prominent in coming forward to reiterate the fact that her hubby is actually NOT a sexist and that any suggestion to the contrary IS SIMPLY NONSENSE! Didn’t we all know that by simply sharing a house with three lovely ladies is enough to pound the misogyny out of anyone (and it wasn’t Tony’s feminine sperm that spawned these daughters, it was actually God – anyone saying otherwise can eat a bag of dicks). We know T-dog just wants the best for his gals! I mean, I’m sure he’s totally okay with the idea that a man may one day be in a position to have sex with one of his daughters and that she probably will have to give that one the ol’ go ahead, lest she be seen as withholding her precious gift. Tony doesn’t hate women, he just tries at every opportunity to legislate against them, and can’t we just see that!
I’m sure you’ll all join me in astutely ignoring the Prime Minister’s aggressive and shrill speech and concur that she was CLEARLY clutching at straws. Soon enough she’ll know what Margie knows, what I know, and now what you know; that our dear old Tony is no more a misogynist than you or I. He just wants what is best for women and I think we can all agree that we don’t really need control over our own bodies – hormones be cray! Let’s set out to prove all those feminazis wrong, y’all!