my friend’s wedding
I attended my good friend’s wedding last Saturday. In fact, I was a part of the bridal party. It was an extremely long day which turned into an extremely long night. The bride wanted us to be comfortable the entire day and I mostly was – our bridesmaid dresses were very comfortable (with POCKETS) and I was able to wear my regular underwear with the dress. My shoes, however. It took a couple of days before I fully regained feeling in my feet. I had to leave the wedding before the bride and groom because my feet hurt so much.
So, why, if I was in so much pain, didn’t I just take them off?
The bride did, the other bridesmaids did, and other guests did. So, why didn’t I?
Because I thought it would look bad.
Yes, really.
I suffered through some bad pain all day and all night all because I didn’t want to look bad. I worried about what people would think. Despite a great deal of women kicking their shoes off or switching to ballet flats, I kept my shoes of death and pain on because of some weird idea that people would think I wasn’t “classy” by taking my shoes off. Like people really care that much!
This was a trend of the day for me, I noticed. I didn’t speak up when the other bridesmaids started going on about lost weight and not eating during the day. Because I didn’t want to rock the boat, I didn’t want to start a rant and didn’t want to alienate myself on a day that is supposed to be about unity.
I touched on this last week, in regards to performing femininity and makeup, but I am still amazed at the amount of primping and priming that goes into most weddings. It took three makeup remover wipes to get off all the makeup I had on my face. People told me I looked like someone else, not myself at all. I had about a can of hairspray in my hair, and it was set with hot rollers and that large dome-like thing that covers your head in the hairdressers. I couldn’t hear a thing and it was very bloody hot under there.
All in the name of beauty. All in the name of looking our best for photographs, for onlookers, for the crowd. All caring about what other people think.
And it turns out, despite liking how my hair looked during the day and night; I would have been “allowed” to cut it all off like I’ve planned to. The bride would not have minded if I had short hair. And here I was, trying to grow it, when I know I don’t like longer hair on myself. All in the name of looking good. All in the name of some misguided attempt to “look my best.”
Mostly, it was me putting this pressure on myself. I didn’t realise, until that day, how much I really have internalised this idea of looking good, especially at such occasions as weddings. I hadn’t realised how harsh a judge I could be of myself. Now that I have recognised this, I want to be easier on myself. I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want to strive for perfection because of some outlandish notion that I should. I want to be me and all that entails, flaws and all.
This is a really good piece and it’s awesome that you’ve managed to be reflective about this event. And as you say, you can’t be perfect! You can’t live up to your own ideologies all the time – to do so is to become completely exhausted. This story doesn’t reflect poorly on you, but the fact that you’ve used it to try to get back on track with what you believe says that you’re really clever and strong.
I have a similar story of my own: recently at a function I went to, I wore the most enormous heels because I thought they were pretty. And they are, it’s just that I couldn’t walk in them, it was more of a strange shuffle. Sometimes, shoes need to be admired from afar.
Thank you! I really do want to be continually learning. I don’t think anyone can know it ALL and those that think they know all there is to know about everything concern me.
And I hear ya! I have other shoes like that that I haven’t even worn because I have trouble walking in them, but they’re just SO pretty. I may have to eventually gift them to someone who is my shoe size and who can walk in them, otherwise they’ll just be a waste of shoe.
I really liked your thinking here. I guess for me, married many moons ago, it is easy to say “It’s just one day” but I do remember when I got married and was bridesmaid for friends (4 times!!!) how it seemed important to do things “properly”. I was a fairly laidback bride and wanted to be myself on the day. I also wanted my friends to have fun with it and not feel pressured.
But I got my ears repierced for a wedding party I was in, because the bride wanted us to have matching earrings, and mine close over so quickly I don’t bother with earrings anymore. Unbelievable to me now that I didn’t say no. Another bride (and a better friend imho) had the earrings she had chosen made into clip-ons for me.
My brother shaved off his goatee (that he has had practically since he could grow one) for a wedding he was in. He baulked at first, but the bride insisted and he eventually thought “Well it is her special day, and I can grow it back. Why make waves?” I just don’t understand, but the pressure to do things “right” and look “appropriate” is pervasive like that, hey?
And those shoes are wow, gorgeous and painful-looking. 🙂
This is a great article and shines a light on an event that so easily can succumb to over-dressing and discomfort. Thanks!
Our skewed views on ‘wearing the most makeup and hairspray to look the best’ have us constantly fighting a battle that can’t be won. You are so right!But when my boyfriend told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because of my flaws not because of my assets, it made me realise that not everyone loves dolled up girls wearing high heels as much as we believe.
We try so hard for ourselves and others, until we don’t even look like ourselves anymore.
It’s fun to get dressed up and look ‘nice’ (in our opinions) but people really do look the best when they’ve just woken up and their hair is a mess and their faces are glowing with refreshment.
Meredith: Aren’t they though? Stupid shoes! If anything, I think this experience has taught me, if I ever get married, I am making sure everyone is completely comfortable, including myself. Enduring so much discomfort for one day is too much.
Emma: Thanks! Exactly! I was utterly amazed at how much I didn’t look like myself and exactly HOW much makeup was on my skin. I wear makeup and I like playing around with it, but I don’t want to totally obscure my features and I still want the essential ME to come through.