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pissed off feminist fights back: a guide to the morning after

Today is New Year’s Day. At least I think it is. I can’t be sure because my head aches and dates are hard. Whether you got hammered with your nanna last night or went out on the town with a bag or three of goon, you probably feel a little crummy today. Which is why I’ve decided that because it’s the festive season I can take a day off being infuriated by EVERYTHING and instead try to make your feminist lives just that little bit easier. Here’s my guide to the morning after:

1. Don’t eat cheese.
You have a hangover. How could you think that was a good idea? Put it back in the fridge. Eat fruit or soup or something.

2. Apologise. Apologise. Apologise.
You know how the only rule of house hunting is ‘location, location, location’? The only rule of the morning after is ‘apologise, apologise, apologise,’ because there are definitely inappropriate things that you don’t remember saying that require a sincere sorry. You might have accused your best friend of harbouring feelings for your man, you might have sent some drunken texts, or worse, tweets to an ex-boyfriend, or you might have kicked your dog. Whatever embarrassing things your friends told you you did yesterday, you did do. You need to bite the bullet, and maybe buy your friends a box of chocolates or something, and promise that next year will be different. It’s good to have resolutions.

3. Don’t call your mother.
She will berate you for drinking too much. She won’t even acknowledge that the sound of her screeching is not doing your headache any favours. She’ll just call you irresponsible and you’ll stop listening and start thinking about that new dance move you were showing off last night, and how good that pizza seemed at the time, and the way those fireworks lit up your beau’s face. None of which your mother cares about. She just wants you to know that you did a bad thing.

4. Curl up in bed with an entire season of Gossip Girl.
Today is the day to indulge a guilty pleasure or six. You need to marathon this. You need to marathon everything, and sit there feeling sorry for yourself, as if you’ve gone through a bad break-up when the only break-up was between your liver and the rest of your body. Don’t even think about moving that bed. Just wear yoga pants or nothing but your underwear and revel in the filth that is you today.

5. Go back to sleep.
Just lie quietly. Maybe you’ll be able to ignore your stomach. Maybe not. Either way sleeping it off is a good idea, even if it doesn’t always work so well in practice.

6. Buy more booze.
Nothing cheers me up quite like a Dan Murphy’s run. Hair of the dog is supposed to get your dehydrated and exhausted body working again. It’ll flush out those toxins, and give you a bit of a mid-afternoon kickstart. Before you know it you’ll want to go out dancing again and will have forgotten that you can blisters from the ridiculously high shoes you wore yesterday.

7. Maybe exercise?
Apparently running or walking or whatever helps. I wouldn’t know. I’m allergic to sports. But you could try it? At the very least you might release some endorphins and feel a little bit less sorry for yourself. Don’t follow this step if physical activity makes you grumpy though. You might end up hollering something else rude to another person who probably doesn’t deserve it.

8. Take a hot shower.
Or better yet, a bath. Just lie there with candles and a book and shut your eyes and inhale the sweet scents and the steam. Take this time out to contact your emotions. Did you cry on anyone last night? Did you rage at the bouncer? Try and figure out what’s really bothering you. Although this might not cure you, you’ll at least get a moment of respite before your stomach gremlins start munching your insides again. There’s no better time for an emotional overhaul.

9. Drink sports drinks.
Seriously, it works. Blue drink, who would’ve thought? But really it tastes okay and might help rehydrate you a little faster than water. Drink in small sips though. You don’t want to overdo it. Your goal today is to NOT HURL.

10. Have sex.
If it worked for Bukowski, why can’t it work for you? He seemed pretty sure that he felt a little better after having sex. And if you’re not up for it, you can just pretend you are or write fan fiction or eat an entire sponge cake. That’s up to you. I suggest all four.

Good luck!

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