trash talk : how to avoid joining the circle of self-hate

‘I’m having a fat day.’

‘My boobs are too small.’

‘I’m having a bad hair day.’

‘I’m ugly.’

We all know these phrases. They start popping into our consciences at around age 12 (but with all that Toddlers and Tiaras crap it’s probably even younger now) and are then imprinted onto our experiences of “girl world” forever. You don’t need an online degree in psychology to be familiar with this.

Countless times throughout adolescence and adulthood, ladies sit around and openly indulge in self-hate, almost always focusing on their appearances.

We’ve all been there.

Whether it’s sleepovers that include stuffing your face with triple chocolate ice cream or a girls’ night out with copious cocktails, at some stage the talk always turns to our bodies and what we think is wrong with them.

I’ve listened to other women including my family and friends make negative comments about everything from their legs to their teeth, their busts and their bums. And I know I’ve made similar comments about myself in the past.

Fortunately for me though, I found feminism and body positivism early. At around age 18 I started to eliminate negative body image paradigms from my way of thinking. It didn’t happen overnight – what with all those air-brushed models staring at me from the covers of magazines, billboards and movie screens – but making that decision definitely helped me to become a happier person.

However, it did cut me off from my fellow sisters when the conversation turned to comparing weight and hating on our eye colour. I just couldn’t join in on the hate-fest.

I’m sure a fair few girls who meet me think I’m up myself. But really, I don’t think I’m perfect.

It’s just that I refuse to comply with what mainstream media tells me is perfect. My standards aren’t drawn from what fashion designers, casting directors or photographers think of as being the ideal. It’s a bunch of nonsense that only makes you feel like shit anyway.

So how can we change the way we think about our bodies and the bodies of other women?

Trust me it’s easy.
It’s so easy that once you get the hang of it you actually forget you’re doing it. And until I began writing this article I had completely forgotten how I had even approached it in the first place.

After much reflection I came up with a few pointers.

Get Educated
Seek out feminist, body positive and sex positive cultural materials. I’m talking blogs, zines, magazines, photography, music and films. Once you begin engaging with this type of material you will come to recognise that thousands, maybe even millions of women around the world resist mainstream society’s ideas about beauty, gender and “perfection” and you can too! You aren’t on your own.

Be open to a whole range of fem-orientated art and literature and find out what you relate to the most. Beth Ditto, Riot Grrrl, Nerve Magazine, Sarah Maple, making zines, Gertrude Stein, Virgina Woolf and Lil’ Kim really helped me.

Be Vocal
When you are faced with the ‘trash talk circle’ situation stay strong and refuse to cave in to peer pressure. Don’t diss yourself. Reassure the other girls that they are beautiful and then steer the conversation towards your attempt at creating a new body-positive attitude. This move can often lead to a discussion about body image and you might even convince a few of your friends to think more positively about themselves.

Surround Yourself with People who Appreciate You
This sounds super obvious but you’d be surprised by the amount of times we forget to do this. I am really lucky in the fact that my family compliments me, pretty much all the time but other girls aren’t so lucky. Just remember you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends! Create relationships with people who make you feel positive about being yourself. And don’t put up with negative comments about your appearance from a partner or lover. Like, ever.

Spread Girl Love
We’re all guilty of girl-hate. At one time or another we’ve all been envious of other women and remedied this ickiness with some hardcore bitching. News flash – it doesn’t achieve anything. The more you stamp out this type of behaviour, the better. Pointing out physical flaws in other women just makes it ok for the men around you to do the same. Only when you start to see other women as allies and not competitors can you truly change your attitude towards your body and womanhood for the better.

So, when you look into the mirror today tell yourself that you’re beautiful instead of nit picking. I know it’s hard sometimes but just like with anything practise makes perfect. Or ‘perfect’. Well, you get what I mean.

By Roxanne Groebel

Image Credit: 1.