It’s all very simple. If someone is crying, then they are sad. Or really happy. Or relieved. Or in pain. Possibly they’re just really empathetic towards that other person who is crying. Maybe they just ate something spicy. Actually, take back what I originally said. Crying is confusing and I have no idea what is…
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It’s 3am and my knuckles are white from holding on so tightly to my keys. A while back someone whose face and name has faded from the memory of conversation told me that it’s actually bad to use your keys as a makeshift knuckleduster, and I remember nodding and then subsequently forgetting what exactly their…
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It was that strange transition time you go through as a seven year old when you are one of the last few people still calling erasers “rubbers” and defiantly fighting off the pointed giggles coming from the girls who don’t actually realise why that is funny. Puberty was a little way away, bra shopping was…
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I have an irrational fear of going to the hairdresser. It’s not that I think they’re going to come after me with scissors or aggressively dye my hair ridiculous colours whilst laughing malevolently, but my hesitancy is enough to make me put off making an appointment for as long as possible. Generally I can hold…
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After 23 years I have finally given up hoping to be bitten by a radioactive spider and/or waiting for my mutant powers to kick in, and have grudgingly resigned myself to the fact that I will actually need to exercise in order to be fit. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried. Every so often…
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I like to think of my mind as a fortress; that if I came across some Jedi or The Doctor I’d hang on to my scrap metal and see through any psychic notepaper that got thrust my way. But recently I’ve begun to doubt this, and the reason is infomercials. If you don’t know what…
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Despite what my age may tell you, I am not a real adult. While I can legally drink, smoke, vote, go to jail and buy spray paint cans, none of this changes the fact that underneath it all, I am a twelve year old that is just pretending. It’s starting to become a problem, as…
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It’s 1am, the music’s loud, the place is full, and so is your bladder. You can see the line from here and the bathroom door wedged open by a girl who’s staring balefully at the wall. Behind her, two friends shriek loudly whilst sneaking sideways glances at the same guy across the room. You can…
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Friend requests are more exciting online than they are in real life. It is hardly surprising; if you translate the scenario to a real world example, things are more likely to be creepy and awkward than anything else. There you are in your pyjamas, sitting at home, when all of a sudden there is a…
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A few weeks ago I went out for lunch with a friend. It was noodle soup. I’d been there before and he hadn’t. We ordered different sizes. When the waiter approached our table holding the large, he looked at my friend and said, ‘I assume this is for you.’ Naturally this resulted in everyone feeling…
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What if Prince Charming was actually a rapist with necrophiliac tendencies, already married to a sociopath? It is a well trodden path that being a Disney Princess means a life dedicated towards the ultimate goal of getting married. Sure, you may fight a few battles, win a few wars, say a few curt words, and…
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I am a walking cliché. I’ve smudged tears across a highly emotional diary entry while trying to fully express my life ruining despair over the end of a relationship, I’ve listened to “Somebody That I Used to Know” while thinking about somebody that I used to know, and I’ve blasted Adele at full volume as…
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I currently reside in a room which is predominantly made up of my bed. The rest of the space is taken up with a desk, a bookshelf, and a window which overlooks an alley where people love to a) pee, or b) have drunken D and Ms, thinking that no one can hear them. My…
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It’s awkward when people actually come round to paint your house because euphemisms die a hard death. Ditto when your Auntie visits or when you find yourself standing on a rag. Talking about periods sometimes makes me feel weird and makes me feel like I’m making other people feel weird and then everyone feels weird…
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