What if Prince Charming was actually a rapist with necrophiliac tendencies, already married to a sociopath? It is a well trodden path that being a Disney Princess means a life dedicated towards the ultimate goal of getting married. Sure, you may fight a few battles, win a few wars, say a few curt words, and…
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I am a walking cliché. I’ve smudged tears across a highly emotional diary entry while trying to fully express my life ruining despair over the end of a relationship, I’ve listened to “Somebody That I Used to Know” while thinking about somebody that I used to know, and I’ve blasted Adele at full volume as…
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I currently reside in a room which is predominantly made up of my bed. The rest of the space is taken up with a desk, a bookshelf, and a window which overlooks an alley where people love to a) pee, or b) have drunken D and Ms, thinking that no one can hear them. My…
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It’s awkward when people actually come round to paint your house because euphemisms die a hard death. Ditto when your Auntie visits or when you find yourself standing on a rag. Talking about periods sometimes makes me feel weird and makes me feel like I’m making other people feel weird and then everyone feels weird…
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Apparently humans as a group are a gas. Not so much in the 1950s tea party oh-my-goodness-he’s-so-funny kind of way, but in the way we will spread out to fill whatever space we’re given – equidistantly. People just hate sitting next to strangers. We’ve all seen it – at the doctor’s, in a lecture, on…
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When I see other women walking, running or even dancing in high heels, I am always amazed. Similar to watching a trapeze artist, or someone eating a yiros without dropping 37% of it into their lap, these are skills beyond my reach. Walking in flat shoes I’m already clumsy and ungainly enough to have from…
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“I knew things were too good to last”. It’s 11am on a Sunday morning. Everywhere that isn’t bed is far too cold, and the only thing I can reach is my phone. Facebook is alight with hangover regret and pictures of kittens. In between this and the severely under-liked political commentary lurks a serial vaguebooker,…
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In my old place of work we had a framed A4 sheet of paper. I’m not sure how long it had been there – long enough to be vaguely yellowed and slightly water-stained, but I guess that’s to be expected for something stored over the sink. Titled “A Customer Is”, the document basically served as…
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For a large percentage of my childhood I dreamed of being in the Secret Seven. I’d imagine having meetings in my shed, call all bread “jammy buns” and look for evidence of nefarious crimes everywhere. Laughing neighbours were smugglers, the man driving down my street a painting thief, and any abandoned wrappers or cigarette butts…
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Hopefully by the age of four everyone has been taught about “stranger danger”. Don’t accept random candy, avoid white vans like the plague, and anyone remotely “shifty” looking or wearing a trench coat is to be avoided at all costs. But, we grow up, we learn about acceptance, and the deceptiveness of appearance. Fairytales didn’t…
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that grammar trolls are extremely popular people. Picking on someone’s spelling and punctuation rather than their arguments and ideas is clearly taking the high road, and being nitpicky is definitely something that shouldn’t be associated with pince-nez and monkeys grooming each other for fleas. Or maybe I’ve got that…
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If you had asked me this question at 15, there would have been no delay; just a clear, unequivocal yes. However, at the same age, if you had asked me the meaning of life and who I would have married the answers would have been just as immediate. Education. Work. Happiness. Orlando Bloom. When I…
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When a group of professional women raise hemlines and lower necklines when they go out on a Saturday night, they are “letting the team down”. If two women decide to make out in order to impress a man, they are bowing to societal expectations. Allowing women to fight on the front line is not a…
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It seems as though life is really a costume party. There is set appropriate attire for specific occasions, and deviation from these norms will be met with raised eyebrows and questions about your ability to understand what is ‘good and proper’. While to a degree this might seem all very 1800s-oh-Mr-Darcy-please-hold-my-parasol, the underlying ideals that…
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