period pieces: 10 things i do during my period that i probably shouldn’t

Period Pieces is upcoming Melbourne Fringe Festival comedian Loani Arman’s hilarious series on menstruation. Be sure to check Lip for new instalments every Wednesday.

 

1. Flush tampons

We all know it’s not the right thing to do environmentally, but we’ve all done it. And we all know that when the work toilet blocks up and the plumber says that the cause was a stash of tampons in the pipes, that you’ll shake your head in disgust and get on the why would anyone do that? bandwagon.

2. Obsess over clots

Are you seriously trying to tell me that when a part of your body falls out of you, and it looks like a sun dried tomato that you’re NOT going to look at it, or touch it?

3. Leave a tampon in overnight

The risks of Toxic Shock Syndrome are real and dangerous, but that doesn’t stop me from getting into bed, making myself all nice and cozy with a litre of ice-cream and thinking ZzzZzz…

4. Use two tampons

You go to change your tampon so you pull at the string. And then you pull at the other string. The string on the second tampon that YOU HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF PUTTING IN THERE! It’s like giving birth to mini cotton twins that you didn’t know you were having.

5. Keep stained undies

The stains are yellow and brown and red and you’ve tried everything to clean them off, even washing them in the shower, then leaving them in there for three days because you keep forgetting to take them out and hang them on the line. Your undies are stained beyond repair, and yet you keep them, figuring that you’ll need them on your period even though when your period arrives you can’t find them so you have to wear your brand new lingerie.

6. Layer toilet paper on top of a pad

You need to change your pad but changing it would involve taking off the used one, opening the bathroom cabinet, getting a new pad out, unwrapping it, pulling off the adhesive strips and then (this is even tiring to write) placing it carefully onto your undies and pulling them up. Obviously, it’s just easier to pop some toilet paper on top of your pad until you can be bothered.

7. Give PMS power

Sometimes, when our hormones see us engaging in a World War Period against our emotions, it feels really, really good to have really, really big cry and while we’re there, sometimes, we like to make that cry last a little while longer.

8. Assume it’s over

It’s been three days of changing your sanitary protection, and by the fourth your flow is low. Surely, that’s it and you can ditch your cup, pad or tampon, right? Wrong. Despite knowing your period better than you know yourself, you STILL forget that on day 4.5 it’ll come back with vengeance.

9. Sleep on a stain

You’ve had a big day so the moment you get home, you flop into bed in all your work clothes. It’s then that you remember that last night, you stained your bedsheets. Are you going to do anything about it? Probably not. You didn’t bother brushing your teeth before bed, so a little stain ain’t gonna hurt you.

10. Wear undies twice

They’ve been covered by a pad or liner all day; or protected from any leakage by a cup or tampon. Surely they’re still clean, right?

 

Want to read more bloody good articles from Loani? Check out the rest of her Period Pieces here.

Loani Arman is a writer and comedian whose new stand up show, LOANI ARMAN: Period, opens at Melbourne Fringe on September 26. For more information, visit her Facebook page.