my bikini body

I recently purchased my first bikini since god remembers when. I definitely haven’t worn one since I started developing boobs and hips.

It is retro-fab, which lately is the only type of swim suit I own. My one-pieces (apart from the sturdy black racerback I wear swimming laps) are all along these lines. Think skirted, or boy leg, balconette or bustier tops, and nautical to floral prints.

I purchased it from Etsy, the seller is Meshalo. They were very good to deal with and are willing to make custom listings. The prices were reasonable and the shipping to Australia is great and quick – it arrived in a couple of weeks!

I love it a lot and can’t wait to wear it during the summer months, but it really brought to light an issue I’ve struggled with in regards to my body and its shape.

I’m sure most women have agonised over this, no matter what shape “specifications” our bodies fit into, or even if they break the mold completely.

My body is two different sizes. My top half is so much smaller than my bottom half. I am the classic pear of the fruit bowl. And this was a problem with the fit of the bikini. The top was far, FAR too big for me. It’s going to need some definite altering before it is wearable in public.

Even though I knew it wasn’t my “fault”, I blamed myself. I blamed my body. I cursed my smaller breasts, railed about how I can never fit into certain things without them being too big or too small. Without remembering that it is in no way an issue with my body and its shape, that it is an issue with mass produced products being fit to very specific specifications with very specific fit models, even in plus sized garments.

In this particular instance, it is mostly my fault. I knew the seller could custom make garments and I should have convoed them and asked if they could make the top in a smaller size. The bottoms fit absolutely perfectly after all. So, I own that. And I own the feelings that this misfit brought up in me.

Friends asked to see what the togs looked like and I balked. Some of it was to do with the too big top, but I am also still not entirely comfortable with photographs of myself in togs. Especially in bikinis where more flesh is on display than usually is for me.

I see people of all shapes and sizes in their swim wear, loving their lives, loving their bodies and showing it in pictures. But I still can’t quite seem to get there myself. I wish I could. So, I’m going to force myself out of my comfort zone and jump right into the deep end and post it for the entire internet to see. First on my tumblr and second here, on lip magazine.

The image that accompanies this article is mine. It is me and my imperfect body. It is a webcam shot simply because I was too lazy to get my digital camera, but when I wear the bikini out in public (and I will), I will make sure I get a proper camera shot of it. I am not looking for accolades or compliments, I just want to kick myself in the arse and put this photograph out there. I am not hiding anymore.

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