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online dating and feminism

I have recently ventured into the world of online dating. It is my very first foray into the world. It’s … different. I think there’s far less of a stigma nowadays than there might have been when it first started, but it’s still there. It’s something I’ve been putting off for years because, I guess, I was embarrassed about it. I know intellectually that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but there was still that annoying little voice in the back of my head calling me a loser for doing so. Shut up, annoying little voice. You are not wanted here.

I’ve talked before about my anxiety issues and how I’ve tried to deal with them. This will be an experiment to challenge my anxiety and my crippling shyness when it comes to the dating world. I have absolutely no trouble at all making friends, both female and male, but when it becomes more than that, or when it’s purely dating, some part of me shuts down. Yay for anxiety!

If I’m honest, I get paranoid that people won’t find me attractive. I don’t believe I owe attractiveness to anyone and I believe that who people are attracted to is an entirely subjective thing – one person’s gorgeous is another’s “not for me” and that’s fine. But there is still that fear.

So far, so good. My profile is up; I’ve been straightforward in it and have an even mix of funny and serious photographs. I’ve been messaged a few times by people, and have only gotten two bordering-on-creepy messages. I never bothered to reply to either because I don’t wish to engage, but it was a struggle not to reply to the latest message.

What’s the difference between a feminist and an egalitarian??

I don’t owe anyone an explanation, least of all a stranger on the internet, but just this little comment made me eye roll so hard I think I sprained an ocular nerve. I’m pretty glad I’m surrounded by feminist friends, especially here on Lip. I said when I joined up I didn’t want to be the educator. The resources are all out there, if someone was truly interested, they’d be able to find out for themselves, what the difference is and why that question is a ridiculous one to ask.

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or have been spoiled by my friend group. I’d like to give people a chance and not write them off straight away, but at the same time, if I’m getting messages like that, I don’t even want to bother. How do you find that balance?

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2 thoughts on “online dating and feminism

  1. My profile reads very loudly as vegan, feminist, queer and green. I get a lot of single line questions from those four instantly identifiabe traits. Sometimes it is someone just asking a silly question because they’re bored, or think they’re smarter than me and want to challenge or debate my politics. More often those questions are used as a start of a conversation from someone who may not be all about the ‘babay you so hawt!!!111’ messages and wants to engage in a conversation that I might be interested in having. Profiles are sometimes a poor representation of a whole person and the

    “I see you like stuff, I too like stuff, what is your favourite of ‘x’ stuff? Oh, you already had it listed on your profile I see”

    ping pong of conversation through online dating messages gets really dull, really quickly.

  2. lolololol I love your username.

    I recently got someone, who I assume was asking if I was into S & M, but it was along the lines of “Submissive little one?” I had a reaction probably along the lines of: “… … …”

    Profiles can totally be a poor representation of a whole person, for sure. I am trying to be more open to certain messages from people and willing to engage and meet with them in person in order to gauge my interest.

    But man alive, it does get a little much. And right now, I’m pretty disinterested in everything!

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