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Weight loss, weight gain

(Possible triggers – talk of weight loss and gain)

I tend not to really notice weight gain or loss in myself unless it’s a larger amount on either end of the spectrum or if my clothing is getting too big or too small. I didn’t know how much I weighed. But now I do. I noticed my weight because I went to the doctor and he made me get on the scales.

Ok, I know he didn’t physically force me and I probably could have said no at any time. But I froze up. I meekly got up and got on those scales, knowing full well that those numbers, no matter what they said, would trigger me.

And they did.

Why didn’t I speak up?

Was it his (perceived or no) position of authority? He is a doctor, therefore he must be right and I should do as he says?

Maybe. He is an older gentleman, I have been seeing him since I was a young child and I think I sometimes revert back to that young child when I see him – the professional knows best, he will fix what is wrong with you, be quiet when elders are talking.

Did I subconsciously want to know what those numbers were?

Examining this deeper, I really didn’t. Numbers both confuse and scare me. I knew that as soon as I saw the number on those scales, I would be sent into a spiral. And I was.

I started focusing on the food I eat, the exercise I do. How I can change both. While normally that can be seen as a good thing, the level of intensity was not. Focusing practically 100% of your energy on what you eat and how you exercise is exhausting. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for anything else.

There are two solutions I can think of in order to avoid triggering myself into this spiral again. I can either change doctors, so I can possibly go through all of this again, or I can explain to my regular doctor about my triggers in regards to weight loss and gain. If I need to get on the scale for some reason related to a health complaint, then I will do so, but I do not want to see the numbers, nor do I want to hear the numbers. If he belittles or dismisses this concern, I will try and be brave enough to state my position calmly and firmly. If this still continues, I will leave.

Deep breath. I can do this.

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