love out loud: i’m just not that into you

The philosophy underlying the He’s Just Not That Into You book/film/whatever is not without merit. I’ve wasted time with men who clearly weren’t interested in me on more occasions than I’d care to mention, where I found myself unable to move on because of sporadic reciprocation or the vague promise of ‘one day’.

However true it is (ie. very) that if someone gives a shit, they’ll probably manage to send you a text message, there is nonetheless a major problem with this whole idea. Yeah, yeah, you’re a fantastic person and if someone’s not that into you, then they’re an idiot and you should find someone who’ll worship you etc etc, but what about advice for the other side? What about telling these disinterested paramours to suck it up and actually say no, rather than maybe?

I don’t know how or why the notion that someone would prefer to be led on rather than simply told ‘thanks, but no thanks’ seems to be so widely held, but it’s absurd, if not downright cruel. Of course it’s great if you can recognise that you deserve better treatment from someone, but given that love always seems hard-won in films, it’s no wonder that people will tolerate far worse behaviour than they should when their heart is aflutter.

About a year ago, I ran into an old friend from work when out one night and tagged along with him and his crowd to the next bar where, unbeknownst to me, the girl who he’d been pseudo-seeing, was waiting for him.

After one of her friends confronted me about my relationship with Nic, I wasn’t that keen to be around such alpha-female hostility and went to another bar with the man of the moment.

It wasn’t an ideal situation, and I understood the sort-of-girlfriend’s concerns when she started calling him and sending messages asking where he’d gone and who I was. What I didn’t understand was why he was screening her calls and leaving her texts unanswered.

‘I don’t understand why you are screening her calls and leaving her texts unanswered.’
‘She should get the hint! We’ve only hung out a few times anyway and we don’t even have sex every time.’
‘You’re an idiot, her friends are probably telling her that the reason you’re not taking advantage of the situation by sleeping with her whenever she’s around is because you must really like her.’

At this point, I firmly suggested that he send her a message explaining that he thought she was great but he didn’t feel a spark and, just as I’d expected, the phone calls ceased. She responded with a sweet message saying she wished he felt the same but thanked him for telling her the truth and both started dating other people not long afterwards.

Most people are pretty well adjusted and unlikely to ruin your life if told you simply don’t feel the same way that they do, but it’s the wondering and the what-ifs that keep us tied to volatile situations. We use endless excuses for our own behaviour so it makes sense that we would do the same for that of any potential love interests, rather than simply cutting ties if they don’t call us.

It’s entirely possible that many potential connections between people have been lost because of zealous commitment to the HJNTIY rules but really, the best means we all have to avoid miscommunication is to simply be straightforward, whether we are or aren’t interested.

Let ‘I’m not sure’ actually mean ‘I’m not sure’ and not ‘maybe if no one else comes along…ever’, and reward your admirers for thinking you’re pretty special by letting them find someone who thinks just as highly of them in return, rather than keeping them on the backburner to feed your ego.