lip top 10: unnecessary feminine products

Thanks to the SheWee, you need never squat to pee again.

Sometimes I think that there just aren’t enough products out there made for our lady parts. I mean, pads, tampons, bras, wax, lubricants, butt lifters and nipple tassels don’t quite cut it. I know you all feel the same way about this too, which is why this fortnight I have compiled a list of unnecessary ridiculous stupid feminine products.

1. Vaginal whitening cream
This is marketed in countries like Thailand and India, where pale skin is seen to be a sign of beauty. Facial and underarm whitening creams are already popular, so I can see how companies would like to cash in and take the concept further, but whiten your vagina? Turns out, according to the advertisements, friction from tight clothing, combined with hormones and sweat can darken skin. If that’s true, there goes the tan in a can industry.

2. Vaginal deodorant
Oh no! My vagina smells like vagina! Don’t fret, there’s a product for that. For the small risk of contracting any number of infections that come hand in hand with irritating the vagina and disturbing its natural bacteria, you can return your vagina to its original sea breeze odour.

3. Cooling underwear
So your vagina is both white and sweetly scented? Aren’t you lucky. Of course, if we’ve learned one thing from advertising, there’s something wrong that we haven’t realised yet, but it will be okay, because you can buy a fix. We have Jockey to thank for this underwear that cools our overheated vagina by three whole degrees. Maybe it’s their fix for global warming.

4. Fart suppressors
Oh yes, these pieces of fabric are ‘impregnated with activated carbon, which faces the underwear or the pants and has a vast surface area for bad odors to adhere to and get neutralized.’ The days of having to excuse yourself, or letting go and hoping for the best are over! I am a fan of the product name though – Subtle Butt.

5. Shewee
Basically it’s an overpriced funnel that allows you to go while standing up. Problem is, if you’re wearing pants, you’re going to have to pop a squat anyway. See, I think these things through.

6. Razor/vibrator combo
Because that couldn’t possibly go wrong.

7. Breast separator
You know what sucks? Rolling over in bed, only to have one breast slap into the other and come to rest. How large breasted women managed to sleep for the thousands of years before this product was invented is beyond me. Also, judging by the picture, if you’re above a DD it probably won’t do much for you anyway. My favourite benefit of the product though, as per the Kush Breast Support website, is that it provides a natural remedy for cleavage wrinkles. Yes, cleavage wrinkles.

8. Breast enlargement cookies
Thanks, Japan. Not convinced they’re going to work? I can assure you they will, because they contain the ‘same breast-enhancing ingredients as Bust Up Gum!’

9. Vaginal tightening cream
From India we have a cream that does indeed claim to tighten ones vagina. Sounds legit. Have a scroll through the FAQ. They make some pretty outrageous claims without actually providing concrete proof that it works. Basically the extent of it is, “Yes, our product works. Believe us.”

10. Pink button
Remember all the way back at number one where I said that there was a cream to whiten your vagina? Turns out white isn’t the proper colour. According to the manufacturers of My Pink Button, it’s actually, as the name would suggest, pink. Not that they actually suggest such a thing on their site. It’s all very tactful. Well, as tactful as a genital dye can really be.

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