love out loud: ethical sex

The mentality of honesty-in-all-circumstances is not the ideal in all domains of life. I can’t count the number of things I never asked to be told that I wish I didn’t know, and all of the character-building justifications in the world fail to change my mind.

However.

Though full disclosure is to be exercised with care in conversations with prospective employers and parents, when it comes to sexual relationships, honesty is imperative. We shouldn’t be lying, whether overtly or by omission, to get someone into bed just because it’s easier than having to start from scratch with someone else.

During my time in Berlin, a soft-spoken English girl I was travelling with, Ellie, got involved with a tall Chilean man and stayed in touch with him long after we all went home. Unfortunately, I was kept informed of his casual relations with women soon after we had left by people who stayed at the hostel longer than we did and was angered at the position they’d placed me in because of their sheer desire to gossip.

Logic told me to keep it to myself – Ellie would undoubtedly be upset by the news and might never see him again anyway. I did not want her to feel betrayed and yet, I knew she would want to know. The inevitability of her delicate but firm wrath should she ever find out I’d kept it from her further complicated matters, as did her frequent discussion of the Chilean and their continuing pseudo-relationship.

Ultimately, the choice to tell her was not entirely my own, as the fact that I knew something was difficult to hide from a psych graduate. Nevertheless, I eventually decided that she, like everyone else, had the right to make an informed decision about whether to continue interacting with him under these circumstances and I told her everything I knew.

There had been no spoken agreement of fidelity in their relationship after her departure and my friend’s hurt made me uncertain that I had done the right thing by telling her. I constantly questioned whether there would be any kind of positive trade-off for the feelings this information had evoked but in truth, this wasn’t the real issue. The fact was that the Chilean hadn’t made Ellie aware of his extracurricular activities, which had the potential to not only change her mind about continuing the relationship, but also to cause emotional damage once she did find out.

The often-detrimental effects of sex have cemented my belief that no one has the right to withhold information that would affect someone’s choice to engage in any kind of sexual relations. All decisions should be informed ones, particularly when the stakes are so high and people are far too quick to justify their mistreatment of others simply because they had not agreed to label the relationship. That which is owed to someone under casual terms may well be significantly less than when they are a boyfriend/girlfriend/etc, but however you want to package it, we all deserve to be treated with some baseline level of respect; seeing someone naked is not an invitation to put their feelings or health at risk.

Where information is withheld, it is usually because the withholding party knows it will change the other person’s mind about the impending sexy times, but no one should be tricked into such deeds. It will very likely send a shit storm your way, whether in the form of chlamydia or an attached adolescent making you mix tapes. We are all responsible for our own sexual health and that of our partners, and anything that poses a risk to the other party is something that they need to know about.

There are few ways to kill romance quicker than the subject of venereal diseases or an ex you’re still shagging, but if something has the potential to change their minds about participating in sexual activity with you, they need to be told. It doesn’t mean that having sex with someone grants them unlimited access to knowledge of your sexual history, but our desires should never be put ahead of another person’s wellbeing.

Regardless of the level of commitment granted in a relationship, we owe each other respect and care. Herpes is never fun for anyone, nor is the fury of an undisclosed girlfriend.

All types of sexual relationships can be entered into without causing either person distress, as long as the interests of all concerned are kept in mind. It is not the terms of these endeavours that hurt people, but rather the lack of clarity about emotions, expectations and risks. Ultimately, we all have the responsibility to keep our partners and ourselves safe. Sex should never be at someone else’s expense.

This article originally appeared in Libertine magazine.

(Image credits:1.)