love out loud: how to find that special someone

Now that I’ve been with Julio for over five (continuous!) months, I fancy myself a bit of a relationship expert, quite frankly. I am super happy, filled with gooey love, and I think I know the secret:

Stay Single.

Granted, this seems counter intuitive, but bear with me a moment.

Depending on what exactly you term ‘a shit relationship’, I’ve exclusively had that particular kind of liaison since March 2010, August 2008 or December 2007. In any case, the majority of them have been somewhere between ‘nothing special’ and ‘rather diabolical’, and I didn’t even realise that relationships could be so problem-free, or at least not until you’d suffered for some indeterminate amount of time getting together with the person in the first place.

It sounds stupid, but I have never previously felt truly respected, valued and loved in a relationship. And at some point I realised how easily I could have missed it.

Due to my not being an arsehole, I don’t indulge even flirtation while I’m seeing someone. I loosely knew Julio when I saw him on the night that was to start our romance, but had I been seeing someone else, no matter how casually, I would’ve declined when he asked if I wanted a drink. Moreover, I probably would have been drunk and sobbing to my friends somewhere about my wanker du jour.

I didn’t meet a great guy because I was single, but if I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have even known how good things could be.

Staying in volatile relationships is damaging for a bunch of reasons, and the fact that you’re hindered from finding someone who actually respects, values and loves you is admittedly one of the lesser problems; people can do a lot of fucked up things to you. For my part, I had my self-esteem obliterated because I stayed with a guy for the better part of a year who was emotionally abusive. I was completely derailed, and still have insecurities that this man instilled in me in order to make me feel lesser than him.

I didn’t need to get out of that relationship so that I could find someone else; I needed to get out of that relationship because I was with someone who was sandpapering away at all the things I liked about myself.

I can’t tell you when (or if…but probably when) you’re going to find someone who treats you well, but I can tell you that there is no way you’re going to be able to invest enough in someone to find out how great they are if you’re with someone else.

There is no secret formula. Meeting the right person is simple serendipity (or fate, depending on which school of thought you belong to), but when you do devote yourself, or at least your relationship status, to another person, make sure you are placing your own respect, value and love in someone worthwhile. It will undoubtedly save you a whole lot of time and heartache.

(Image credit: 1.)