love out loud: the case for the third date
If you’re a follower of my column or otherwise know me in real life, you’ll know that I’m not really one for antiquated ideals. So hearing that I am now a supporter of the three-date rule might come as a shock.
This has nothing to do with the fact that people might (erroneously) think you’re a slut if you have a one-night stand or sleep with someone on the first date. If there was a way to filter out idiots who lose respect for someone who has sex with them (has anyone else ever thought about what this says about the person who thinks this? Does that not expose your own hideously low self esteem if you think less of someone for finding you attractive and choosing sex as the means through which to appreciate that?), I would wholly encourage use of such means. That aside, the relationships that stem from casual sex are grossly overrepresented in the media – at the conclusion of the Sex and the City TV series, three of the four main characters were in relationships with people who were originally fuck buddies – but they do happen, and with all of the embarrassing bits already on the table, can quickly foster very intimate connections.
The potential for trouble arises in the fact that sex, especially good sex, can entirely distract you from simply not having very much to say to a person. Time that would be spent on banter is spent on the slam dance, and pillow talk doesn’t necessarily translate into compatibility outside of the bedroom.
Some time ago, I had a sleepover with a boy. Then we had a few more sleepovers and then we started hanging out during daylight hours and then I started to like him, until things turned to shit for reasons that had nothing to do with the overzealous leap into bed together. But he still wanted to be friends and I was willing to trek down that path, until I realised that sex was more imperative to my going out of my way to spend time with him than I had thought. We still got along fine but the lack of overlap in our social lives deterred me from making the effort to see him without some kind of carnal reward. Without the lewd behaviours, it was just too hard.
Of course, you do run the risk of realising that you’re not sexually compatible with someone after you’ve gotten close in other ways, but provided that both partners are willing to communicate, there are few things that can’t be rectified. Conversely, there is little getting around simply not having very much to talk about.
A third date policy is not a bad way to help ensure that you do actually enjoy someone’s company without being driven to distraction by their sexy body. Hopefully it goes without saying that you should wait longer if you’re not comfortable with getting in the sack with someone, but absenting the la-la from your interactions for a little while is not a half bad idea.
Anticipation is the most underrated part of a budding relationship anyway.
(Image credits: 1.)
