(sex)uality: introducing our new columnist!

Hi ladies,

I wanted to take a quick moment to introduce myself as the new sexuality columnist for Lip Magazine. My main aim in this role is to start conversations. There are a few topics we shy away from because we fear they are taboo, or we fear differences of opinion. But I think those discussions are vital. Knowledge is power and the knowledge that your experiences are normal is powerful.

The absence of an informed dialogue about female sexuality has led to this idea that women have diminished sex drives and should feel guilty for engaging in sexual activity.  I want to take these ideas away and replace them with an open discussion about who we are as women, as lovers, and as individuals. Every woman is different in so many ways. If you don’t examine your own sexuality and your values about sex, how can you make decisions that are right for you? These conversations will be an arena in which we can understand and explore our boundaries and beliefs.

I recently saw a documentary that investigated the limiting portrayal of women and girls in the media. A recurrent image of women as sex toys, bitches, and damsels waiting to be rescued by Mr Right was shown. It horrified me. I was suddenly struck down with worry that my role as ‘sexuality’ columnist could be perpetuating this idea that, as women, we need to be sexualized. That is why I want to talk about our sexuality though, to counter what we are fed through media and socialisation. So that we know that the woman in the bikini, draped over the car is not us.

I think the skills involved in having great sex carry over into everyday life. Having truly liberating sex involves understanding yourself, your values, and taking ownership of both. It is about communicating what you want in an assertive and honest manner. If you can use these skills effectively in your sex life, it seems only natural that they would generalise into the rest of your life. This kind of powerful, honest and confident woman is unlikely to allow herself to be labeled a sex toy or a bitch. I hope that by having the frank discussions with me, you come to understand, dear reader, a bit more about your expectations, desires, and boundaries sexually and more generally in your life.

While I like to research the topics I cover, I don’t claim to be an expert. Like the readers of this magazine, I am still young and forging my identity. But I do strongly believe that women, men and society need to be having conversations about female sexuality. This conversation needs to extend beyond biology. Guilt is still strongly tied into sexuality for a lot of women. Barlow (2010) found a significant relationship between a woman’s sexual guilt and never having reached orgasm. Masturbation is often seen as dirty and not an activity for women. I know a number of women who have been treated with negative judgment when requesting an STI check at the doctor (myself included). The hush-hush that leads to this kind of social response to ‘women’s issues’ can be countered with open discussion.

As a result of the absence of open discussion and stereotypical portrayal of female sexuality within society, we judge ourselves and each other more harshly. The other woman, the slut, the frigid bitch: this is the lens through which we judge other women. When we use these labels to describe our peers, it is like giving someone permission to call you that name. These judgments are subjective. While you are calling someone in denim short-shorts a slut, someone could be saying the same thing about you and your low cut top or for engaging in pre-marital sex.

As long as you are acting in accordance with your own values, you should never feel sexual guilt. If you are not acting in accordance with your own values, chances are you just haven’t had the opportunity to have a conversation about it, discover what those values are, and feel strong enough to be assertive about them.

My goal is to encourage communication about female sexuality, with women, with partners, with society. So write to me, ask questions, get cranky. But let’s talk about sex.