the coffee lovers club

Recently, some friends of mine have made the somewhat astute observation that I am borderline shallow. I would have disagreed with them if the next comment out of my mouth hadn’t been, “I find boys that drink coffee, particularly of the latte derivative, far more attractive”.

Feeling the pains of dimming popularity I went to the only person I felt could help plead my case, Google. After ciphering my scientific analysis of ‘cute coffee drinking boys’ the only vitals she could offer in defense were, ‘Coffee is Better than Sex’ and various double entendres associated with ‘coffee’ and dating. Google and I are now taking a break.

Surely, I cannot be the only one that feels this way. That feels that instant attraction to a boy with a mature coffee palate, able to distinguish between a piccolo and macchiato, a latte and cappuccino. A boy that immediately goes up in points because he adorns the furniture of a roadside café with a double shot espresso in hand. He emits a certain air. Wafting years spent immersed in Hemmingway and days lost feverishly in far away antique stores, all of which is probably a lie. He looks socially apt even though he’s alone, his sinewy body dominating the area as he sips, sips, sips on his brew.

He is in nickname territory with his barista and knows his daily juice can arrive in more than 16 permutations, which must only further his petition with the ladies. He understands his pick-me-up in its full figure; it’s rich tones, smooth crème and the logistics of a well-roasted Italian bean. Yes, he is a real coffee connoisseur but admits no remorse for the habit after discovering most researchers agree there is little risk of harm when a person consumes less than 600mg of caffeine a day. When one tasty café derived specialty sits at 150mg he vows to stay within the bounds of moderation.

Now, when I ask my friend Google what she thinks of ‘cute coffee drinking boys’ she should immediately respond with, “Men that drink coffee go up ten points”, in forty different languages. Of course, I write this having already deposited three soy latte’s, all within thirty minutes of each other. They’re now reunited and bathing in my central nervous system, hanging out with my red blood cells and preparing to get drunk with my other psycho-active organs. They’ll have a dance-off while I prime my thinking cage for an unruly thrashing.

Moments later, all out of beans and too far away from my favourite café, I am severely transcending into a coffee hangover. It could be the thousand volts of caffeinated energy charging through me or perhaps I’m having an epiphany… but, I wonder, will coffee drinking boys find coffee drinking girls, particularly of the latte derivative, far more attractive?

Sadly, I believe so. Just like some boys prefer girls to come in a perfect package, to weigh nothing over 60kg or even just to have the hippest job and crowd to revolve around in. They want someone to fit into their ‘partner genre’ just like they fit into their skinny jeans. But we all grow out of our jeans, whether we tire of them or our body changes, we can only go so long forcing them to fit before they fall apart or we leave them crumpled up in the corner of our closet. Then we buy a new pair, a new pair, and a new…
We’ve let our prospective partners become involved in our consumer spending patterns. These people we say we love are now products, which make us feel better about our own lives because of their shiny exterior trinkets. Of course, these habits become embedded through cultural influence, but if we could all try to remove just one aesthetic layer at a time, then we’d move that little bit further into reality and a chance of maybe having a substantial and fulfilling relationship.

Now I know I won’t be choosing my next date because of his beverage preference. If for some reason it doesn’t work out, that’s definitely one I can’t blame on the drink!

– Brittany Waller