the valentine’s day conundrum

Valentine’s Day – yeah, we all know the clichés. In fact, the clichés are so clichéd, I’m not even going to bother reiterating them here. But even more baffling than the stereotypes about red roses and pudgy, misshapen teddy-bears are the stereotypes Valentine’s Day constructs about women.

If the movies, magazine articles, and god-awful advertisements are to be believed, then women fall into either one of two categories on Valentine’s Day – the love-obsessed, naggy/doting partner, or the angry, bitter, delusional single girl. The options for behaviour on the day cover the narrow range between cooing over oysters to your equally sappy partner at dinner, or listening to loud punk music and getting trashed while babbling about how little you need a relationship.

Somewhere in the chasm between these two extremes wander the hundreds of women who don’t identify with either stereotype, and who wind up feeling a bit lost and confused on V Day – I like to think I’m one of these girls.

Here’s the thing: I think it’s great if you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. If you want to wear red to work, make heart-shaped candy from scratch, write emotional messages on cards and get really gooey-eyed at a loved one/friend/cat/photo of Ryan Gosling, be my guest. More power to you. I’m sure you’ll have a very pleasant time, and to be honest, I could get on board with about 60% of your enthusiasm.

I love writing sappy cards to people, especially close female friends, and I often scratch one or two out on Valentine’s Day to girls who I’ve been in solid relationships with for years. I also like chocolate, baking, and the colour red, so all of these things are A-Okay with me.

However, for every Valentine’s Day preceding this one, I have been single. I have done the hallmarks of single girl behaviour on Valentine’s Day – watching trashy movies with friends and yelling obscenities at the happy couple; getting trashed in public, and then glaring at people eating dinner at fancy restaurants as I stumble past them clutching a burrito; having a quiet night in to ‘really focus on myself’; and then, as I got slightly older and tonnes more mature, just getting on with life, and not really marking the day in any way.

Maybe my favourite Valentine’s Day memory is from when I was the Women’s Officer at my university, and I unwittingly organised a meeting of the Women’s Collective (all strident feminists), on V Day – every single girl showed up, regardless of whether or not they were in a relationship, or had plans. Sisterhood, baby – stronger than commercialism.
But really, when I think about it, the behaviour outlined above was not particularly authentic. I have no actual hang ups about Valentine’s Day – it’s a day when people celebrate something that means whatever it does to them, but whether I’m single or in a relationship, it remains mostly irrelevant to me. I mostly feel like I have to have a stance on Valentine’s Day because people seem to expect one of me. What I find interesting at the moment though, is that people seem to be more appalled if I say something nice about V Day than if I rage against how it’s a sexist construction designed to make women feel bad about being single (which is a fair point – I mean, where are all the single guys crying into their tubs of Haagen Daas?).

In fact, I would say that the backlash against Valentine’s Day has created a culture where, rather than feeling bad about being single, I feel a little bad about being in a relationship, and would feel worse if I wanted to have a big, romantic V day. When single friends ask me what I’m doing for the day, I almost trip over myself to scoff at the whole concept, and claim loudly that ‘We’re not into that crap, as if we’d do anything for Valentine’s Day!’. I basically snapped at my boyfriend one time when he mentioned the day in passing, and I yelled ‘We’re not doing anything!’, and then proceeded to try to make plans with other people.

Really though, I honestly don’t want a special Valentine’s Day, and I’m not too fussed about what we do – but I feel like I have to be aggressively anti-Valentine’s Day, more so now that I’m not single.

I would like to think that enjoying a spot of clichéd romance wouldn’t make me less independent, or less of a feminist, but I can’t help but feel a bit judged when I get a bit gooey about my relationship, or spent hours baking apple cakes and muffins, and looking up apple related recipes because that’s his favourite baked good flavour.
I feel like it would almost be more acceptable for me to fling apples at his manhood and tell him we should break up, than give him a batch of baked goods on V Day.

I guess the point I’m trying to make (and let’s all just admit that this article is an excuse for me to vent about my own issues with dealing with V Day) is that the way that you approach relationships and romance should really be up to you – and is often strongly defined by the relationship that you’re in or not in, as the case may be. You may hate Valentine’s day purely on the basis that it’s a commercialised holiday that has somewhat lost sight of its beginnings – but that hatred doesn’t have to be directed at those who do enjoy Valentine’s Day, or do need an excuse to express their emotions more strongly than they would on an average day.

I hate big gestures (they make me feel guilty), and I suck at accepting gifts, jewellery, or gratuitous compliments. But I love it when a friend or loved one makes me a cup of tea without me asking, or wordlessly offers me a jacket when I’m cold. Romance, comfort and love are whatever you want them to be, and so is Valentine’s Day.

As Dunja wrote earlier, take a moment to love yourself – but also don’t be afraid to tell those you love that you do love them, or to be a bit sappy with your partner.

After all, they only make that trashy heart-shaped candy once a year, really.

By Zoya Patel

What do you think about Valentine’s Day? Is it total bullshit, or a harmless spot of fun? Do you think it’s anti-feminist, pro-feminist or not related to feminism in the slightest? Tell us your thoughts!