girl versus payday

Image: Jean Fortunet

I get paid fortnightly. It’s not even one of those lucky arrangements where my salary and my student allowance fall on alternate fortnights, leaving me with a coincidental weekly income. One lump sum has to spread itself out over fourteen days and when your money-handling skills are as poor as mine things can get pretty thrifty in Week Two.

So I’ve devised an alphabetical list of my most common expenses, and a simple way to budget: you choose three, and three only, for the entire fortnight. Good luck.

Alcohol
There are a few ways to keep your booze costs minimal. One is to purchase a large bottle of gin or similar when finances are fair and rely on it for a very long time. Another is to drink mostly cleanskins. A final resort is to be that person at parties/bars who employs the use of this face in exchange for pints:

Bills
Is gas a thing you need this week? Can you do without hot water until your next payday? Would your housemate kick your butt if you didn’t pay your half of the bill on time?

Birthdays
Aging friends are expensive and there’s only so many times you can employ that classic adage, ‘my presence is your present’.

Cat things
Non-negotiable. I tried to feed my cat tuna once instead of cat food and she didn’t forgive me for ages.

Cigarettes
Yes, I know, smoking is a filthy habit and will kill me and poison those around me. Unless you’ve really tried it, you might never understand the corporeal pleasure of sucking down a big, deep lungful of tar.

Clothes
Have you ever had that thing where you see an incredible dress and must own it at any cost? Or maybe your jeans split really awkwardly right down the crotch seam in a way that you can’t pass off as “distressed denim”. You might be living on a shoestring, but a girl’s gotta wear something.

Data
Pre-NBN, there’s always the option to be savvy — skimp on the social media, abstain from Tumblr for a week, pretend Buzzfeed doesn’t exist and too bad if you wanted to download the latest Game of Thrones. Who am I kidding? Internet abstinence is hardly something I’m capable of. I have 26 tabs open right now.

Groceries
Your choices in the supermarket are endless, but your budget is limited. Meat, potatoes and rice? Or chips, chocolate and Mi Goreng? You could splash out on mushrooms and fancy teabags and sacrifice toilet paper. Don’t raise your eyebrows at me. I’ve been there, okay?

Lunch
Sometimes I get really hungry between classes and realise I forgot to bring one of those sandwiches I live on made from plastic cheese and slowly staling bread. Sometimes I pretend I forgot to bring one of those sandwiches because the idea of pho is so much more tempting.

Miscellaneous
Life is unpredictable. The question is: will you be financially prepared for it? (Honestly? No.)

Readings
The perils of being an English literature student include but are not limited to a long list of set texts with hefty price tags. There’s always the library, but then you run the risk of forgetting to return them and incurring an even heftier overdue fee. Somehow I don’t think the library staff would really believe that you were just performing a live experiment in postmodernist financing.

Rent
Generally non-negotiable, unless your landlord is Arthur Fortune.

Savings
I’ll be honest: if I put money away in savings, I always spend it before the fortnight is through.

Social life
So the girls want to go and see The Great Gatsby and have dinner in Chinatown. This outing will cost you $50 but you really want to see the movie. Also, what could possibly beat the combination of dumplings and friends? (This kind of social spending is much friendlier to the conscience than a $20 club entry and four two-for-one Jager bombs.)

Transport
If it’s a choice between feeding yourself or feeding your car, how will your cookie crumble? Another tip: if your Metrocard (or Myki or whatever) has no balance left on it, you can usually get away with pretending it just ran out. Most bus drivers are pretty benevolent. (Hot tip: bikes are free to ride.)

Picking the three most sensible options is easier said than done. Most days, McDonald’s right now sounds a lot better than not being $5 out-of-pocket tomorrow. Speaking of which, it’s time to order a pizza with my last $20.