how women are taught to fear rape
Trigger Warning: Talk of rape.
Yesterday, my father went out to a doctor’s appointment and I was home alone. Like most people when they’re home alone, I locked the door. Just the screen door, I left the back door open. When he arrived home after his appointment, he tried to open the door and found he couldn’t because it was locked. I got up to unlock it and he demanded to know why it was locked in the first place. As if that extra ten seconds it took me to get up and unlock the door took some important space out of his time.
I was stunned. I tried to explain why, feeling embarrassed and hating myself for feeling embarrassed even as I choked out an explanation. I attempted to explain the reasoning behind every woman taking a precaution like that, even in their own homes, even in the day time. He made fun of me. I was made to feel stupid and irrational.
Sadly, this isn’t the only time this has happened or the only time he’s made fun of me for being hyper aware. I don’t think I can explain it in a way he understands. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or if it’s just him (or even, in some weird way, a questioning of his manhood? “Oh, I can’t protect my daughters?”), but he just doesn’t get it. I don’t tell him that whenever my parents go away on holidays, I shut all the windows in the house and make sure the doors are deadlocked. I even lock the door on the outside to my parent’s bedroom. I leave lights on. I sleep with a baton.
I know he doesn’t get it, I know he will never get it.
Women have it ingrained in them so much that it becomes unconscious – don’t walk down that street, don’t wear earphones in your ears, lock your car doors, walk with your keys in your hand, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, stay in groups. Most of us live our lives in fear of rape. It’s not always a paralysing of-the-moment fear, but there’s this constant, low-grade anxiety whenever we venture outside of the house, hell, even inside our own homes for some women. Every man we meet is a potential predator. We’re still taught to protect ourselves and the people who commit these crimes are taught … what? The people who make rape jokes and laugh about them are taught … what?
There are some great campaigns aimed at men stopping rape – Men Can Stop Rape is one such campaign. But there need to be more. There needs to be more awareness raised and the onus shouldn’t be on the survivors of crime to raise this awareness. People, not just men and boys, but people should be taught to respect one another.
You are absolutely right, this is not something that men can understand. They do not need to be constantly paranoid or jump at the sound of an intruder who may rape them. It is an entirely different mindset.
Its strange how experiances can be the opposite. My dad questions me when I leave the door unlocked (rarely).
I also like to take walks at night. Being 6’5″ and having a tendency to wear all black I have learnt to avoid lone women. Seeing that look of fear when a woman notices your presence is not a good thing. I tend to stay aleart, cross the street, deliberatly tread on a stick while still a distance away.
Of course I belive that like all crime attention should be spent on people at risk of perpertrating the crimes but we become tempted to only focus on young men due to the skewed perception due to the often violent and random nature of those rapes. Most rapes are committed by older men known to the victim.
I really don’t think ageism is particularly pertinent to this issue Brett, and I can’t think of an article on Lip where it’s been suggested that young men are the primary perpetrators of sexual violence and assault against women.
I don’t believe I mentioned anything to do with ageism, Brett, nor did I mention any particular stats (which ultimately can be flawed considering many women don’t report rape). I find that particular comment derailing.
It’s funny – even when in this state of paranoia, I’m constantly aware of the importance of showing it as little as possible. Trying not to give any particular person I pass more attention than another, trying not to let it affect my walk or my expression. Rape being more about power than anything else, showing that kind of reaction is a potential appertif.
I don’t think it’s true that men can’t understand that paranoia, though. I know my partner gets it; he’s more conscious about locking the doors than I am most of the time, and he will walk to collect me if I feel unsafe, without question. But he’s not infallible.
Sonya at least is aware of how poorly I sleep. Particularly after we were robbed recently, I became very aware of the fact that my partner sleeps much better than I do — to the point where I wonder whether he would actually wake up if someone broke in during the night. Which naturally leads into the above discussion.
Even in our own homes, even *with* people we trust implicitly, the paranoia is pervasive.
I am also very good at not letting it show how much of my guard is actually up when I am out in public.
I am definitely willing to concede that some men get it, on some level. Or are at least aware about it and try to do something about it. I really appreciate the Men Can Stop Rape campaign for that.
I spend a lot of time on public transport and I have had to explain many times to male friends and bosses why I cannot or will not attend an event in a strange neighbourhood at night because I would not feel safe.
Dunja et al. I didn’t mean to imply any ageism in Lipmag or in the article nor was I trying to derail anything I appologise if people thought I did or was trying to.
I was more trying to say how diffrent people take security diffrently. My uncle used to be so paranoid about locking his house I was seriously worried he would die if there was a fire.
And that I feel sick when I scare a woman on a dark and deserted street.
A friend just linked me to this article:
http://www.smh.com.au/executive-style/culture/blogs/all-men-are-liars/ididnotreport-20120314-1uz9f.html
Nice to see it’s being highlighted in such a forum.
Can you clarify the context of that Dunja as I’am choosing to belive its not a refence to me in any way but I have learnt not to trust you.
Um, what?
Brett. Dunja posted a link relevant to Sonya’s article in the comment box below Sonya’s article. Logic dictates the link is in context to SONYA’S ARTICLE.
Brett, it was not a reference to you in any way.
To clarify, no comments, links or other content will be referring to you unless your name is explicitly stated.
To clarify further, the comments sections on Lip’s website are not intended for derailing, or for personal statements to be made about its staff or writers. Please stay on topic Brett.