Still single…
Dear Ms Lip,
This may seem a bit of a silly question but I’m at my wits end. I am single and have been for about two years. I’m in my early twenties; I am told I have nice personality and complimented on my looks so I don’t get it? I go out and meet people, I have friends but I just haven’t met anyone I click with. It’s really starting to make me feel down and insecure, people tell me to be patient and all that but I have started to really question myself. I am not really into the clubbing scene and all that entails. Any suggestions?
Lonely.
Hi Lonely,
Yours is a common complaint and perhaps you can take heart in knowing you are not alone. Dating is a complex thing with many books, advice columns and friends with opinions. I am not going to tell you what to wear or where to go. I think first you need to look at is yourself. Single doesn’t always equal being lonely, for a lot of people they enjoy the companionship of a partner but if it isn’t on offer then perhaps you need to seek out alternatives. A relationship is a nice addition to your life but it shouldn’t BE your life. Perhaps make more time for your friends and the social activities you enjoy, appreciate yourself and try not to let the single times leave you beating up on yourself. There are all sorts of sayings around like “it happens when you least expect it to” or “you have to love yourself first”. The timeframe in which you are single is no claim on your worthiness as a partner. I can appreciate the frustration you must feel and everyone adding their two cents can get a bit old. I suggest you get out there do something different. What you are doing and have been doing for the last two years is giving you the same result yet you’re hoping that it might be different soon and you might meet someone you click with. It’s time to start thinking about doing things differently to get a different result.
You have mentioned you don’t like clubbing and seem to have left it at that as far as meeting potential partners go but have you considered any alternatives? There are quite a few people out there who aren’t into the culture of clubbing just like you that leads them to look elsewhere. Common alternatives are online dating, with a large selection of popular sites to choose from and create a profile. People who use internet dating as a way to meet people aren’t freaks; they’re busy people working or studying and are giving something different a go. All the information on how to use these sites safely is given to you when you join. Another option is speed dating, a tad newer the internet dating, it is a popular choice and takes away the awkwardness of a first date with only sitting with a person for five minutes before changing tables. Lots of people enjoy the experience of meeting a new group of people and chatting in a friendly atmosphere as much as the potential of meeting a new date. You could look at expanding your social circle into more hobbies or sports to meet more people. The thing with dating is numbers. There are so many people out there and you have to meet quite a few until you find some that you feel you can connect with. The more people you meet and interact with the better your chances, be brave and take some risks. By doing something different you may find you get a different result.
Best of Luck
Ms Lip
Hello Lonely,
As I read the issue that was presented, it made me go back a few months ago to when I felt the same way. I thought I would never find my soul mate. I did what Ms. Lip said ,and I decided to do things differently. I began to do more things. I went to the Renaissance Festival, went out shopping at swap meets, went to book stores. These were all the things that I love to do. I quit “looking” for “the one”. I began to love what I did and stayed right in my moment as I experienced these things. I did not think about finding someone or that I did not have someone. Then it happened. I went to a Hot Air Balloon Festival as a member of the Chase Crew. This is a crew of people (4 to 5) that follow the hot air balloon from the ground, so that when the time comes for it to land the crew are there to assist in the landing. It was a fun and eventful time, and the time where I met the person of my dreams ( the crew chief). I did something different. I got something different, and now I could not be happier. Do not get me wrong, I was happy before, and perfectly fine with being “single” but now I am completed. I know it works because I too have felt the lonliness, and I too have felt the feeling of not being “right” because I was single. However I am now completed. It happened right at the right time, when I was completely ready to be….
Best wishes Lonely ( hopefully not for long 🙂 )
Chrissy
Hi,
I’m afraid my tale isn’t quite as happy as Chrissy’s, but I thought I would lend my point of view.
I started reading your tale and it sounds very similar to my situation, except that I am 23 years old and have never found someone I really clicked with who reciprocated (the last bit being the main point as I’m not hugely fussy). I am pretty, intelligent, outgoing and do “love myself”, I have a large group of friends who agree that I’m not a social outcast and also wonder why I seem to have been left out of the dating game. I love trying new things (will now look up Hot Air Balloon Chase Crew as it sounds exciting) but don’t seem to get any farther. It has really depressed me in low moments (mainly after a night out fluctuating between “I don’t need a guy to be happy, let’s dance” and “oh no one’s even looked at me and look at all those couples, how depressing!”… only to end up waving goodbye to my friends having had a fun but bittersweet night out again.
As I haven’t even found a frog to kiss so far, let alone a prince I’m afraid I don’t have a happy ending…yet. Perhaps this will mark a turning point? Let’s hope so.
As for Ms Lip’s advice I would try out speed dating/dating websites, but something is holding me back, perhaps the stigma of my first date being through that medium rather than just a guy liking me without me having to seek him out. I’ll see how my situation develops.
I suppose all I can add is that there are those in worse situations out there (i.e. 23 years rather than 2 years) who are still holding on and waiting. It’s good to see there are others out there who feel similar though 🙂
If you do have a happy ending please do update this though 🙂
C x
I was 23 yrs old when I had my first boyfriend, so don’t feel ashamed. I was about to go overseas and we started dating. It always happens when you don’t expect it to happen.
But from my experience don’t rush into a relationship just because you feel it’ll make you a better person socially. I dated the guy for 1 1/2 years, and it ended last year, when I found out he had cheated. And I just feel like i’ve wasted the last couple of years, because i became someone else and gave up so much of myself to this person who in the end betrayed and humiliated me.
I think people base to much of their happiness on being in a relationship, and now speaking from personal experience, I need to be happy with myself and where I am in my life, than to be in a relationship.