trash talk : how to avoid joining the circle of self-hate
‘I’m having a fat day.’
‘My boobs are too small.’
‘I’m having a bad hair day.’
‘I’m ugly.’
We all know these phrases. They start popping into our consciences at around age 12 (but with all that Toddlers and Tiaras crap it’s probably even younger now) and are then imprinted onto our experiences of “girl world” forever. You don’t need an online degree in psychology to be familiar with this.
Countless times throughout adolescence and adulthood, ladies sit around and openly indulge in self-hate, almost always focusing on their appearances.
We’ve all been there.
Whether it’s sleepovers that include stuffing your face with triple chocolate ice cream or a girls’ night out with copious cocktails, at some stage the talk always turns to our bodies and what we think is wrong with them.
I’ve listened to other women including my family and friends make negative comments about everything from their legs to their teeth, their busts and their bums. And I know I’ve made similar comments about myself in the past.
Fortunately for me though, I found feminism and body positivism early. At around age 18 I started to eliminate negative body image paradigms from my way of thinking. It didn’t happen overnight – what with all those air-brushed models staring at me from the covers of magazines, billboards and movie screens – but making that decision definitely helped me to become a happier person.
However, it did cut me off from my fellow sisters when the conversation turned to comparing weight and hating on our eye colour. I just couldn’t join in on the hate-fest.
I’m sure a fair few girls who meet me think I’m up myself. But really, I don’t think I’m perfect.
It’s just that I refuse to comply with what mainstream media tells me is perfect. My standards aren’t drawn from what fashion designers, casting directors or photographers think of as being the ideal. It’s a bunch of nonsense that only makes you feel like shit anyway.
So how can we change the way we think about our bodies and the bodies of other women?
Trust me it’s easy.
It’s so easy that once you get the hang of it you actually forget you’re doing it. And until I began writing this article I had completely forgotten how I had even approached it in the first place.
After much reflection I came up with a few pointers.
Get Educated
Seek out feminist, body positive and sex positive cultural materials. I’m talking blogs, zines, magazines, photography, music and films. Once you begin engaging with this type of material you will come to recognise that thousands, maybe even millions of women around the world resist mainstream society’s ideas about beauty, gender and “perfection” and you can too! You aren’t on your own.
Be open to a whole range of fem-orientated art and literature and find out what you relate to the most. Beth Ditto, Riot Grrrl, Nerve Magazine, Sarah Maple, making zines, Gertrude Stein, Virgina Woolf and Lil’ Kim really helped me.
Be Vocal
When you are faced with the ‘trash talk circle’ situation stay strong and refuse to cave in to peer pressure. Don’t diss yourself. Reassure the other girls that they are beautiful and then steer the conversation towards your attempt at creating a new body-positive attitude. This move can often lead to a discussion about body image and you might even convince a few of your friends to think more positively about themselves.
Surround Yourself with People who Appreciate You
This sounds super obvious but you’d be surprised by the amount of times we forget to do this. I am really lucky in the fact that my family compliments me, pretty much all the time but other girls aren’t so lucky. Just remember you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends! Create relationships with people who make you feel positive about being yourself. And don’t put up with negative comments about your appearance from a partner or lover. Like, ever.
Spread Girl Love
We’re all guilty of girl-hate. At one time or another we’ve all been envious of other women and remedied this ickiness with some hardcore bitching. News flash – it doesn’t achieve anything. The more you stamp out this type of behaviour, the better. Pointing out physical flaws in other women just makes it ok for the men around you to do the same. Only when you start to see other women as allies and not competitors can you truly change your attitude towards your body and womanhood for the better.
So, when you look into the mirror today tell yourself that you’re beautiful instead of nit picking. I know it’s hard sometimes but just like with anything practise makes perfect. Or ‘perfect’. Well, you get what I mean.
By Roxanne Groebel
Image Credit: 1.
Great job on this article. I wish more women thought like this.
Lovely article. I’m reposting the link 🙂 Sisterhood needs a resurrection!
Great story!
I went on a diet my freshman year of high school because I thought I should do something about my rounded tummy, my thick thighs and my “ham-hock” arms.
After six months of tuna in Glad containers and salads drier than the desert, I lost 32 pounds, going from a size 16 to a size 8.
One of the biggest motivations for our big weight loss was the hope that shopping would be easier with a thinner body. When I was a size 16, I usually ended up crying in the dressing room because all I could ever find were clothes too small for me. Then I got down to a size 8. I shook my tinier butt into short denim miniskirts and wore a small in some things for the first time. But ultimately, I found that I ended up crying in the dressing room because I couldn’t find any size 8’s.
I could only eat so many more turkey burgers. Eventually, I stopped wrestling my natural urge to eat. I love a good steak, a baked potato with sour cream and a slice (or two) of cake. Bit by bit, I broke the rules. One day it was two servings of a condiment and the next it was a can of my beloved (non-diet) root beer. Now, I eat what I want when I want.
Since then, I’ve struggled with my weight as many women do. One of my greatest concerns for years afterwards was that I would never find love at my size. It was no help that whenever I was depressed about my body or anything else, my mother would say things like, “Exercise; the endorphins make you happy,” and “You’re so much prettier when you’re thinner.” I’ll tell you; it’s a real kick in the imaginary balls when you find out your mother looks at you, thinking how much prettier you’d look if you lost five pounds.
But recently, a friend IMed me on Facebook and mentioned she planned to consult a doctor on a diet and exercise plan. This friend is a size 14/16 like me, and she’s beautiful. I asked her why she wanted to see a doctor and she said she was freaked out because she’d gained five pounds. Five pounds!
I told her about my experience dieting – and told her to stop weighing herself because I maintain that scales are evil. She said she couldn’t manage her weight without a scale. Because I’d never tell anyone to do the crazy diet I did, I suggested maybe she should attend Overeater’s Anonymous to deal with the reasons why she eats as much as she does. While she insisted that she would see a doctor, I told her I was available to talk anytime she needed to and I silently rejoiced that I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I am comfortable with my body as is. I must say, I quite like my wobbly bits.