we’ll talk post-feminism in the post-patriarchy
I lost my virginity a couple of months ago. Whoa! I can already feel the judgement crashing around me. The moralistic voices in my head cry ‘slut!’ or demand accusingly ‘were you in a long-term relationship?’ The people I encounter in real life aren’t as harsh to me, but I still find their responses slightly unsettling.
My group of girlfriends were excited for me, but still asked condescendingly ‘are you okay? Hope it didn’t hurt too much’. When I began to describe in detail how enjoyable it actually was, they reeled with a mixture of fascination and disgust. Some became embarrassed, giggling and even resorting to the panicked reaction of ‘wow, you’re such a skank!’ I promptly abandoned my zeal for the story.
I may be wrong, but I get the impression that the conversation amongst boys will go differently. He will be congratulated and teased affectionately in the public realm, and will return to his own head to be greeted with a sense of achievement, and perhaps a slight sliver of guilt that he may have ‘used’ the girl. Either way, he’s on top.
This double standard is one of many that plague gender relations in our supposedly modern world, and it is astonishing how many girls sit through life feeling estranged from their own sexuality. They are primped and preened to be desirable sex kittens for the male gaze, but at the same time required to be innocent and submissive. This destructive binary leaves little room for legitimate sexual expression. For while both the pure, virginal girl and sexy minx are simultaneously championed, they are also condemned. Any girl striving for the former will be branded a prude, while those who pursue the latter are utter whores.
In a world of religion, conservative parents, and Tony Abbott, I struggle to feel legitimate. The discussion with my parents about my recent de-flowering ended with a ‘boys won’t respect you’ and ‘you’ll struggle to find a decent husband’. I just knew that if I were a boy I wouldn’t be given the same guilt-trip. Well, perhaps they would guilt me about corrupting the girl I was sleeping with. An article in this year’s April edition of the Monthly (featuring a ripe red cherry on the front, symbolic of that luscious, coveted female virginity) featured an interview of a young religious couple. The church had told the girl to ‘imagine if on her wedding night the handprints of every man who’d ever touched her appeared on her body- how ashamed she’d be’. Even more worrying than that was the boys’ talk however, which advised them ‘to imagine the wife’s body… [and] their handprints on someone else’s wife’. No dirty handprints on the boy though, no way.
Prejudice of any sort isn’t great. But often most worrying is the lack of awareness of its existence. Many people don’t realise, or just blindly accept how narrow-minded society’s attitudes are towards female sexuality. It was in fact considered a subject too taboo to portray in cinema and the media until the 1960s. That’s right, a whole half of the human population was denied a sexual identity in the public realm. Still today, it is rare that any such expression by a female is seen as empowering, as her sexuality remains defined in terms of male enjoyment.
Despite this, the battle for gender equality- whether it be sexual, political, or in the workforce- is something cringe-worthy in today’s society. The word feminism conjures up images of butch dykes, man-haters, and whiney females who are bent on stirring up the natural order of things. What couldn’t be more unnatural though is the morbid anxiety that most young girls are made to feel when they consider sex. The guilt that accompanies the idea of it being enjoyable, and the fear that you will become a slut, get pregnant, and die.
I find that most people agree with my ideas conversationally, but as soon as I assume the label ‘feminist’ they recoil. The more I think about it, the less I find this to be due to strong patriarchal sentiments or sexism. Put simply by Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler, ‘feminism is the radical notion that women are people’, and any repulsion is most probably due to misconceptions of the ideology. Of course there are extremists, as there are in any social movement. The shame is when a whole school of thought is thrown under the banner of the radicals.
I finally returned to the boy with whom I shared my first experience, after discussions with my friends and family. I was utterly dismayed at how painstaking the process of being penetrated for the first time had become. It was his first time too, but the amount of baggage that we both departed with seemed incredibly unequal, and I resented that. I complained about the way everyone made me feel as they recreated our encounter in the framework of social expectation and conservative moralities.
He looked sad upon hearing of my anxiety, but his face soon smoothed to a smile. ‘C’mon!’ he said. ‘We’re far too into gender equality to let people judge you like this. Hell, they’re judging me for having “taken advantage of you”.’ We laughed, acknowledging the ridiculousness of the situation.
Not everyone agrees with being sexually liberal, but I hope that one day they can agree that a female isn’t just a target of a predatory male sexuality. It’s the radical idea that she could be a complex, consenting adult who initiates and enjoys just as much as her male counterpart. I like to think that most people are feminists; they just don’t know it yet.
– Danielle Weber
(Image credit: 1.)
You’re absolutely right about most people being feminists – many seem surprised when I tell them that feminism isn’t just about promoting women to a status equal to that of men, but ensuring that ALL people are considered equally.
The only example I can think of in recent pop culture where a woman is unapologetically and aggressively taking control of her sexuality is Chelsea Handler, though unfortunately her first book, ‘My Horizontal Life’, ended with dismay that she actually wants a boyfriend (the abrupt mention of this, however, makes me wonder if this wasn’t a decision made by the publishers to ‘soften the blow’ of the antics she describes). Perhaps even more unfortunately, her behaviour resembled the typical behaviour of a man, making me feel like the subtext was ‘fuck you guys, women can do the same thing you do’, rather than appreciating that sex and everything that accompanies it is going to be different for everyone.
I don’t ever really detail my sexual exploits, mostly because I’m worried about future job prospects (distinct name + google = someone who one day wants to hire me might be reading this RIGHT NOW) and my parents hassling me about it, but this is problematic too. I’m more open about it than just about any other girls I know, and yet I won’t put it in a public forum because of what other people are going to think. So even though I recognise this as rather counterproductive to promoting female sexuality, I’m not really willing to put my head on the chopping block, as it were.
As a result, I really admire you for writing this article, and I’m so glad that the guy involved responded to your concerns with consideration (I believe my first sexual partner said something along the lines of ‘you knew what you were getting yourself into, just get over it’ following the glorious occasion). (S)Excellent work.
Damnnn you need to get some better friends!! I do agree that most women are feminists, but they think all that “inequality stuff” was taken care of during the second wave. Or they just don’t want to be seen as uncool. In terms of males being the sexual predators, I think that that notion is definately becoming very old fashioned. My guy friends refer to various girls as “predators”, which just goes to show that everyones personal context is different!
I think the clarity of expression and honesty are what make this a really remarkable, readable, and thought-provoking piece.
I also think it’s really interesting how you note that people agree with your ideas ‘conversationally’, but start to freak out when the term feminist is used.
I think that very often people (or at least some of my friends I’ve been speaking to recently) agree with statements about greater freedom from sexual stereotypes, but they do so in a very much rote learnt way. It’s like they haven’t gone down the train of thought required for it to be an idea they have had, arrived at, and accepted. They have read or heard it, and accepted it because it sounds right.
Fantastic writing, Miss Weber!
Oooh, I don’t even like that image. Is that supposed to be some kind of reclamation of the word ‘slut’? Shivers.
This post reminds me of what a rarified world I live in – that I am actually surprised that you got those reactions. I mean, like, still. In this day and age. I guess this is what happens when you get post-30 and stop editing lip and stop talking so much to normal college and uni-aged girls.
I talk about sex all the time. It’s my favourite subject and I’m happy to get personal. I’m ecstatic when I find someone else who wants to get as personal as me, but it doesn’t happen often. Nothing about my copious sexual adventures this past year embarrassed me and none of my friends indicated any negative feelings about my romping around. I just don’t surround myself with people who aren’t liberal and open. This is what is great about being an adult – it is much easier to choose the people who surround you.
On the other hand, I’ve found a wealth of conservative reaction to non-traditional relationships. I’m seeing a lovely, lovely man who is in a committed but open relationship with another woman. I get him a couple mornings a week, sometimes he gets to sleep over. We have a truly lovely time together but she is the one who takes priority. His partner and I know and like each other. Everything is in the open. In fact that’s what makes it work. My man is very communicative and we both know exactly where we stand with him and how he feels about us.
Only a couple of my friends seem to understand why I would do this. A couple understand why I would do this, but don’t get why his partner would allow him to have another relationship. The vast majority want to be the only woman in their man’s life. They say they would be jealous. Well, hell, I’m not the only cool female in the world and I don’t need some man’s exclusive love to make me special. And his partner has exactly that, despite me.
And I’m not the jealous type. I have what I have with him and it is all good. The best part of a relationship without any of the domestic drama. And, best, I still get to be single too. Why doesn’t everyone want to have their cake and eat it too?
I still am surprised how little people are willing to question monogamy. Come one, let’s grow up, get secure, and get creative.
Mostly, let’s keep talking about all this!
Really fantastic piece of writing, Dani!
I hate – hate hate hate – the idea that anyone could ever be made to feel ashamed for their sexuality.
The madonna/whore dichotomy is, I think, one of the most damaging paradigms within which our society exists today. As young women, we are damned if we do, damned if we don’t, and as someone who definitely does, I find it incredibly irritating that while guys get high fives, I get to be “that girl,” the slutty one.
I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that women are still overwhelmingly seen as passive within the sexual sphere, allowing men to gain sexual pleasure from them, but not getting anything from it themselves. Abstaining from sex is termed “saving oneself,” and while there are boys who use this term, it is much more generally applied or used by girls.
But saving from what? The idea seems to be that boys will always try to get in your pants, and you have to hold out long enough not to be slutty – if you “let” him touch you, or if you “let” him have sex with you too early, or do it too many times, with too many people, you are acquiescing to his demands, and being “easy.” The problem here is that it takes two to tango, and no-one can accept that. I don’t “let” boys touch me, the touching is mutual. I definitely don’t “let” boys have sex with me – if I’m going to sleep with someone it’s going to be because I want to, and they want to, not because I’m giving in.
Emily Maguire’s book “Princesses and Pornstars” has a really fantastic exposition of this, and portrays what is really an ideal situation, where a conversation between teenage boys goes like this:
– She’s done it with loads of guys!
– Really? She must be really good at it, then!
– She loves it!
-Well, who doesn’t?
So basically, a woman’s enjoying sex doesn’t make her “dirty” or “impure,” it just makes her a normal human being with natural desires.
And if someone wants to call me a slut, then fine, call me a slut. But I won’t be insulted. If a slut is a girl who has sex because she wants to, not because she’s “giving in” to the demands of a boyfriend or whoever, then I’ll wear it as a badge of pride.
And Dani – if you get called a slut, then what am I?
Congratulations Danielle,
this article entirely sums up the feeling that a young woman would have toward having sex the the aftermath, your feminist veiws and ideas of politics and religion have not evaded you.
this response while very lengthy greatly conveys your understanding of the situation that were in, in relation to this article
Top Notch Effort
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