My flatmate’s boyfriend is driving me crazy!

Dear Ms Lip

I hate my flatmate’s boyfriend and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I can confront him but I hate feeling unwelcome in my own home and I don’t want to have to move again—I only moved in three months ago. Basically this guy is a jerk. He goes through the books on the bookshelf that are mine including personal documents. He has opened the door to my room to check it out when I’ve been in the house and I have no idea what he gets up to when I’m not home! He makes rude comments about my cooking and generally acts rudely towards me. My flatmate is lovely and I think she sees it might be an issue but doesn’t handle confrontation to well. What should I do? I don’t want to start a war with her boyfriend and deal with that all the time.

Frustrated.

Hi Frustrated,

It seems you are in a difficult situation. Dealing with flatmates can be a minefield let alone a flatmate’s partner where you might feel you have no jurisdiction. Let’s start with your flatmate; you need to raise the issue with her regardless of her comfort zone, to be frank. Confrontation is a challenging issue for most people and can leave everyone feeling awkward. Try thinking about the way you word your approach and make an effort to not launch your issues as an attack. Saying “Your boyfriend is a creep” will not be constructive; however, if you approach the issue by saying “I feel that when your boyfriend is over he doesn’t like me much and makes comments that make me feel unwelcome here…” she may be a little more receptive. Of course there is no perfect way for handling awkward situations, I cannot comment on the bookshelf stuff as it might be an open space for everyone to access but opening the door to your room does sound off.

The thing that is coming across strongly is that you feel your privacy is being invaded and you don’t like the attitude you’re receiving. You need to communicate this to your flatmate in a calm manner; hopefully she will be compassionate with your situation. Explain that you’re concerned about what happens when you aren’t home, perhaps suggest getting a lock for your door if that’s an option and explain that you don’t want to feel compelled to move. Don’t make that out like a threat; simply explain what you’re going through. Being that she doesn’t handle confrontation well I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for her to go into bat for you; clearly you also need to confront the boyfriend. It is important that your flatmate sees your perspective before her boyfriend can taint her view of the situation. Explain to him that you don’t like him touching your things or going into your bedroom, possibly ask him if you have done something to upset or offend him. He might not have felt the opportunity to say so before or perhaps he will be surprised by your comment and revaluate his behaviour. Issues like this one are complex and a bit touchy but they don’t tend to fix themselves. You need to be proactive and clear about your boundaries, be honest with your flatmate about the behaviour you can and can’t live with. Hopefully he will come round and modify his behaviour, if not then you might want to keep your eyes and ears open for new places to share. It isn’t an ideal solution but home needs to feel comfortable and safe, sometimes it takes a mix of time, effort and luck to get a good environment in share houses.

Best of luck Frustrated.

Ms Lip