my body’s experience
TRIGGER WARNING FOR TALK OF DISORDERED EATING AND THOUGHTS.
I don’t like comments on my body. Unsolicited or solicited. I know it sounds strange when I say that I don’t like solicited comments on my body, but I’ve come to realise, that I used to solicit comments because I wanted people to say how “good” I looked for losing weight, how “good” I was being. I wanted people to notice the effort I was putting in.
Ever since gaining weight, I stopped soliciting comments, because I thought fat was “bad”. I tried everything under the sun to get myself back to a “goal” weight (jeez, enough quotation marks already!) and didn’t want comments until I was finally there. I thought I would finally be happy with myself.
The only way I finally became happy with myself was when I discovered fat acceptance. Even at the smaller end of fat, I still find solidarity with my peers. I have vastly different fat experiences than those who identify as “death-fat”, and I don’t even begin to imagine or co-opt those experiences in the slightest – every person’s experiences and journeys are different and I respect that.
I don’t want comments on my body now, not because of my weight, but because I don’t think a person’s body should be commented on, whether those comments are positive or negative.
This is especially relevant lately, as my thoughts about my body have not been so positive. I know it’s entirely okay for people to have bad days/weeks/months/years and it’s unrealistic to expect a person to love themselves, maybe even 50% of the time, let alone all the time. I say this time and time again, and would say this to a stranger, but I sometimes have trouble reminding myself of this fact.
I’ve been reading stuff (mostly online) that has not made me feel good about myself. I think a lot of it has contributed to my thoughts of body negativity and the shame spiral. I know, I know – “Just don’t read it! Ignore!” or “Delete, unfriend, unfollow etc”, but I don’t know if it’s as simple as that. I’ve unfollowed one of the sources, but I haven’t touched the second and I don’t quite know why. I guess I’m trying to understand why I’m still reading, what it is I’m getting out of it and if I can choose to either ignore or challenge thinking that makes me feel bad about myself.