love out loud: resolve not to date douchebags

Resolutions concerning your love life are difficult to make as goal-oriented as other areas. Saying, ‘this year, I will meet Mr/Ms Right’ is hard to execute unless you’re prepared to lower your standards (and I don’t mean that to say that only “low quality” people want relationships, but rather that people you want to spend your life, or at least your year, with are few and far between). You can be emotionally ready for a new relationship, and try to meet lots of new people this year, but nothing can really guarantee that a suitable partner will enter your life, no matter what you do.

A way to significantly better your chances of finding the right person for you, however, is to instead simply resolve not to date douchebags.

I realise they can be problematic to avoid. There’s this lingering idea that girls like arseholes, that fails to recognise it’s because arseholes act like nice guys (and are all the more arseholes for it). You think Tucker Max lured all those women into bed because he told them they were fat and that he writes a sexist blog? Not likely. Even if he said those were his openers, I wouldn’t believe him. He did it by being charming, cleancut, nice, and probably doing things like tucking strands of hair behind a woman’s ear. It is not always immediately apparent that a douchebag is a douchebag, so how do you avoid them?

Ever to your rescue, I have compiled a list!

Your partner might be a douchebag if:

1. They are rude to your friends
Have you ever met your partner, or potential partner’s friends? Were you completely freaked out because you knew that if they didn’t like you, it would make your budding relationship with this person that much harder? You see, that’s the reaction of someone who cares about you. They want to make a good impression on your friends.

At best, if they’re being rude to your friends, they are insecure and judgmental, but they’re probably just a douchebag (unless your friends are jerks, in which case some more nuanced consideration might be in order).

2. You’ve started crying a whole lot more since they entered your life
My mum once felt the need to remind me that Sex and the City is not real life. I tend to agree, but there’s a scene in which Samantha is telling Carrie that the measure of a good relationship is that you are smiling, and not frowning. Of course, no relationship is going to be completely frown-free, but there’s a bit of a balancing act that should be maintained here: ask yourself, which one are you doing more of? Five good moments to every one bad moment is an okay rule of thumb (so I’m told), but obviously if that bad moment encompasses any kind of abuse, then you need to get out. Which is a convenient segue into …

3. They’re abusive
This is a pretty non-negotiable point. If your partner is abusive, they are a douchebag. Sure, they might have shit going on, but it’s their choice to take it out on you instead of, I don’t know, going cycling or something. They might have had a rough childhood, but it’s not your job to fix them, or to suffer hardship yourself as a result.

It’s important to note that abuse isn’t just physical. If a partner is putting you down or otherwise saying or doing things to hurt you, that’s abuse. In the interests of not getting flamed, I am going to point out that there are some things partners do that might upset you that are not abusive, like forgetting your mum’s birthday (but I know you cats are smart enough to make this distinction on your own).

4. They aren’t respectful of you and/or others
This pretty much encompasses all the other points. A respectful partner is worth a whole lot more than someone who’s a dick to you but then buy you chocolates to make up for it. You can gauge a lot about a person based on how they treat their friends and family, as well as how they treat yours, and even if they’re much nicer to you, you can rest assured that probably won’t last if they’re horrible to every single other person they come into contact with.

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There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, and the New Year is as good a time as any to decide to be open to one. But that’s all you can do; be open, and drop the douchebags.

(Image credit: 1.)