on #sorryfeminists and bad feminism

Lisa LaFlamme, the nighttime news anchor of CTV National News in Canada has a fabulous wardrobe. I notice the wardrobes of many female news anchors and reporters. And sometimes I feel bad about it. I feel worse for noticing enough to comment.

This pang of guilt has nothing on the shame I feel when Hedley’s ‘Kiss You Inside Out’ starts playing and I sing along. Because as much as I like the song, the consent implied in the lyrics is dubious.

Sorry, feminists.

It’s unclear if T: The New York Times Style Magazine editor Deborah Needleman knew that when she tweeted about Slate columnist, Katie Roiphe’s appearance in New York to promote her new book she would be starting the twitter trend of the day. I’m not convinced she didn’t know she’d get some reaction from the Twitterverse at large.

‘The sexy (sorry, feminists), sassy, smart Katie Roiphe @nypl live onstage Wednesday night’

Was Needleman saying it’s un-feminist to be sexy or to tell someone she was sexy…or to care? Or was it un-feminist to list sexiness before sassiness and intelligence?

Feminists responded with snark and sarcasm. #sorryfeminists began trending as women began declaring their ‘un-feminist’ behaviour:

‘I wear pink #sorryfeminists’

‘I’m an excellent cook #sorryfeminists’

‘I forgot to blame the patriarchy #sorryfeminists’ and my favourite:

‘I don’t hate men #sorryfeminists’

I couldn’t help feeling relief as I scrolled through the tweets.  It seemed I wasn’t the only one who felt proud of cooking a good meal, wanted to be in a relationship, or who wouldn’t dream of wearing shorts without shaving first.

Though many of the tweets were meant to be a humourous and mocking rebuttal of Needleman, it was something of a cyber confessional for feminists, like me, who have ever felt they weren’t doing justice to their feminist ideals and beliefs.

Or, as Roxane Gay puts it in her essay for The Virginia Quarterly Review, felt they were being ‘bad feminists’.

‘I am failing as a woman. I am failing as a feminist. To freely accept the feminist label would not be fair to good feminists.’

Gay examines the ways in which prominent, sometimes trailblazing, women have responded to the word feminism (the new ‘f word’), and its implications. From actress Melissa Leo to Yahoo’s first female CEO Marissa Mayer, women shy away from the label decrying its man-hating, militant, and judgmental reputation. ‘It’s all too negative’, says Mayer. ‘Women should champion for equal rights with positive energy and positive energy only.’

If Mayer was anywhere near Twitter on 12 October she would’ve seen that many feminists are positive. They bake, and plan weddings, and want babies, and want to look pretty sometimes.

But there shouldn’t be anything wrong with not wanting those things either.

As feminism evolves and takes on new causes, the list of things a feminist should be, know, care about, and believe continues to grow and change as well.

I’m plenty guilty of this thinking too: that I should be one way or another, like some things and be morally against others, and know theories well enough to accept some and reject the rest (I never finished The Feminist Mystique…sorry feminists).

In her essay, Gay questions where these expectations have come from and the implications they have on the movement as a whole.

‘I’m not even sure what the sisterhood is, but the idea of a sisterhood menaces me, quietly reminding me of how bad a feminist I am.’

She critiques the idea of a cohesive philosophy of feminism – not the notion that men and women should be treated fairly, rather the more complex issues that underlie this goal.

More accurately, Gay acknowledges that this philosophy has never really existed. The goals of feminists are often at odds with one another: white feminists and racialised feminism (see Bitch Magazine’s recent refusal to print an interview with Caitlin Moran over this very issue), straight and queer feminism, class feminism, colonial feminism, and feminists with disabilities. It made the #sorryfeminists hashtag particularly ironic since there is no one group of people to whom the term applies.

It can feel impossible to be the perfect feminist, and it can’t help that we pile these expectations onto ourselves as well as other women.

The word ‘choice’ is often used in conjunction with the word, but I’d argue ‘thought’ is just as important, if not more, to the movement. It is a feminist act to think critically about the messages and expectations of gender and act accordingly. It’s not impossible to think Taylor Swift endorses the virgin/whore dichotomy and still enjoy You Belong With Me.

I’m wary of the emphasis on choice because it can be used to derail legitimate criticism.

Plenty of feminists choose not to stand behind LGBT communities, or women of color. They choose to be anti-choice. I respect the right of women to make their own decisions, but I don’t necessarily support those decisions. It should be okay to say that without accusations of infringing on choice.

#sorryfeminists was meant to mock and dispel notions of what feminism is, and what feminists think.

What does it say about feminism that there seems to exist a new set of rules and standards for which women must live up to, and feel guilty if they don’t?

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