(sex)uality: whole lotta love
Several weeks ago, I was arguing with a friend of mine about how many sexual partners a woman should have before “settling down” (assuming this union ends up being a “Til death do us part” monogamous one, but let’s leave that little nutshell alone for the moment). It’s a discussion/argument/whatever that has been relatively ongoing since 2007 and I won’t bore you with the details, but something sharp and shiny came out of this particular exchange.
One of the best ways to test your conviction about something is to engage in a debate around it, as this enables you to test your logic against opposing trains of thought. But if you want to keep something up for four years and not get sick of it (I only speak for myself here, I make no presumptions as to whether he wishes I’d just shut up already), at some point, you’re going to have to think of new points to present. And a few weeks ago, I came up with one of my best yet, if I do say so myself.
There’s this perception that women who have a lot of sexual partners have low standards and will take anyone (though the women who have a lot of relationship partners are likewise deemed to have low standards, and are thought to just take anyone, but there are plenty of better-written articles about the lose-lose situation that women are in regarding their sex lives, so again, let’s leave it for now). But what I realised over the course of this conversation is that indeed the reason I have had a number of sexual partners (some might say a lot) is because I spent a lot of time not having relationships. And not being in a relationship didn’t mean that my, ahem, “needs” simply disappeared. There were times when I wanted affection, intimacy, and (omg) sex, but didn’t want a relationship. There were also times when I wanted affection, intimacy, and (omg) sex, and did want a relationship, but didn’t know anybody I wanted to be in a relationship with. My willingness to enter into a sexual engagement with someone requires less than does my willingness to enter into a relationship with them, but that doesn’t mean that I have to want one to want the other.
For me, the reason that I have had sex with x number of people is because there have been long stretches of time during my teen years, adolescence, and adult life to date, where I haven’t wanted to invest my time, energy, and love into a relationship that I was anything but wholly committed to. Granted, I did occasionally invest time, energy, and love into people who were less than deserving of it, but I am nonetheless proud that I didn’t go out with people just because I felt that I needed a boyfriend. That is something that I personally value.
Having said that, I also make no apologies that I didn’t remain celibate during those times (celibacy, incidentally, not being one of my personal values).
Of course, everyone is different, and I wouldn’t make any assumptions as to why other people do the things they do (that’s a lie; I absolutely would, and generally do, but I’m not going to right now). And if I was to try and rattle off all the different situations in which one can have love and/or sex, I’d be writing this article for the rest of my life. My point is that there is a flipside, and the only person you really need to answer to is yourself. No matter what other people tell you about girls who do or don’t have a lot of sex, if you are acting in accordance with your own values (which hopefully include not hurting anyone else) and thinking carefully about what you’re doing, you can hold your head up high and not have to worry about anyone else’s judgmental eyes.
Alternatively, you can point them in my direction. I can always use some fresh meat to argue with.
(Image: 1.)
