lip lit: fifty shades of porn grey

Unless you’ve been living deep within an unusually large pit of rocks for the past year, chances are you’ve all been subject to the hype surrounding E.L. James’ “erotic novel” Fifty Shades of Grey. Arising from the online world of Twilight Fanfiction, a few names were changed, eye colours altered, and voila: an entirely original porno of the 21^st Century was conceived.

Let’s introduce Anastasia Steele (aka Ana): 22 years old, pale skinned, brown haired, and the Virgin Mary by all accounts of her lack of interest in the male species. She is stubborn, has horrifyingly low self esteem, and works at the local hardware store (despite her apparent self-diagnosed clumsiness). To top it off, she has an odd attachment to an old car that was a gift from her stepfather (any of this sounding remotely familiar, TwiHards?).

Enter Christian Grey: an incredibly good looking, young bazillionarie with a liking for BDSM. Despite being dominating, moody, abusive and an all-round jackarse, Ana falls pathetically in love with Mr Grey. Lucky for her, what he lacks in empathy and emotional stability, he makes up for with the following:

a)      He’s hot;
b)      He’s rich;
c)      He’s an incredible pianist;
And, of course:
d)     He’s earth-shatteringly, mind-blowingly, OH-MY-GOD-THE-BEST-EVER good in bed.

Oh yes, Christian Grey is the perfect man. When you minus the constant fear of punishment, an ‘itchy palm’ and the fact that he has a severe mummy complex.

Upon finding out that Ana is a virgin, (who, shock horror, has never even touched herself), Christian takes it upon himself to do away with her virginity, and graciously makes love to her (E.g. Vanilla sex) as opposed to just “fucking hard” (E.g. toys, chains, blindfolds, whips and nipple clamps) which is clearly his usual style.

What a selfless guy.

After giving Ana the ultimate sexual experience (and by ultimate, I mean he gives her the absolute pounding of a lifetime), we’re treated to frequent sex scenes every few pages. To the point where I almost lost track of the (very weak) plotline because all I could remember reading were descriptive details about Christian’s massive penis.

I wish I could say that these scenes were better written (considering how many pages were dedicated to them), but despite a few changes in location and position,  the book doesn’t exactly utilise any originality by ending every hot-and-heavy-scene with ‘and then we screamed each other’s name and came together’.

Brilliant and creative.

Firstly, I’d like to point out that even if this book was well written (it’s not), or had a grounded moral basis (it doesn’t), we should all thank James for her valiant attempts to illustrate women as having some kind of underlying power that we don’t always recognise within ourselves.

While she does a terrible job at actually executing this concept (considering Ana is almost coerced into being a submissive, is spanked until she cries, and is required to call Christian ‘Sir’), it’s nice to know that being a fellatio superstar and a goddess in the sack will one day give me true love, acceptance, and the ultimate power over my male counterpart.

With the underlying message of “love changes all”, Fifty Shades has left hopeless romantics raving and swooning under the spell of Christian Grey who is, ironically, best described by himself as ‘fifty shades of fucked-up.’

An adequate explanation when you consider that he owns his very own playroom dedicated to kinky sex, where he is the master. Because being in control gets him off.

That’s romantic??

All in all, Fifty Shades taught me a lot of things.

1. You can steal someone else’s plot and get away with it;
2. You can be a terrible writer and still make it onto the bestsellers list, and;
3. Christian Grey has a really big dick.

Perhaps most important, I came away certain in the knowledge that good sex, and lots of it, can turn BDSM junkies into vanilla-sex addicts; if you just believe in them (and battle through the emotional and physical abuse in the meantime).

Oh, and there’s still another two books. And talk of a potential porno movie.

Maybe 2012 really is the end of the world.

By Alyce Wearne

(Image credit)