(sex)uality : show me your sexual agency

Let me tell you a story, about a friend of mine. Sally, as we shall call her, is in her early twenties, single, and at university. A group of her friends often go out on a Friday night, get pleasantly sloshed and dance like maniacs in a variety of clubs.

A while ago, she went out like usual, and one of the guys in the group was a cute, friend-of-a-friend that Sally had always had some chemistry with. They were drinking, dancing, and she ended up going home with him. Being that all of the people they were out with knew them both, and saw them leave together, word got around that they had slept together.

In the following days Sally found that although most girls she spoke to about it were supportive of her right to get laid, if that’s what she wanted, the guys in her group took it on themselves to give her slightly paternalistic lectures about how she had been take advantage of, and how ‘all he wanted was sex’.

I found this dichotomy quite interesting, and mentioned it to a couple of friends of mine (without names of course) to see what they thought. Surprisingly, the same thing happened – girls who I spoke to said it was tricky having casual sex, but so long as Sally had wanted it, they were pleased for her that she got to have sex with someone she found attractive.

Almost all the guys I spoke to on the other hand told me either that ‘it was good for her, but he definitely got what he wanted’, or that ‘so long as she knew he probably wouldn’t want a relationship’ they supposed it was ok. Some even alluded that Sally was maybe a little loose, to have casually gone home with the guy in the first place.

I think the sexism in this entire situation is pretty apparent, but in particular I find the prejudice when it comes to sexual agency between men and women to be quite troubling.

The implication behind the statements from men about Sally’s experience is that no matter how willing Sally was in the situation, she was still being taken advantage of – because at the end of the day, she was giving a man ‘what he wanted’, and so supposedly her own agency in the situation was diminished.

Saying things like ‘he got what he wanted’ implies that Sally was essentially manipulated – either by his whispered sweet nothings, or by her perceived promise of a relationship – into having sex with him. It suggests that Sally was basically conditioned into thinking that she wanted casual sex with the guy, when in fact he wanted the casual sex, and she was being played all along.

The idea that maybe Sally herself just wanted an orgasm from someone else for a night didn’t seem to factor in their thinking.

Female sexuality has long been a topic of some consternation in society – I mean, it’s only really in the last century that it’s even been widely acknowledged to exist. Female sexual desire is still treated as slightly impolite to discuss, and the myth that women are inherently ‘more emotional’ about sex pervades throughout pop culture, despite how many real women put up their hands as being able to enjoy sex for the physical benefits only.
I’m not going to deny that sex can be an emotional experience – but that goes for both genders.

The fact that not one person suggested to Sally that maybe she had been the winner after her one night stand, that perhaps she had managed to ‘manipulate’ a man into bed for a night of passion – the fact that not one person was going to high five Sally the way we’re meant to assume the guy was being high fived by his friends, says something about the way we continue to see women in relation to sex.

Despite the fact that this guy she had sex with was probably unlikely to go around bragging, high fiving his friends and generally being a douche about having slept with Sally, Sally herself was still reduced in people’s minds to being a pawn in his nightly affairs, a sexual conquest and nothing more.

This isn’t just offensive to Sally either; I mean, yes, it’s super frustrating to have to convince a bunch of people that you actually did want to have sex, and no, you’re not just saying that, and that a one night stand was all you wanted – it would be equally frustrating being a guy and having to constantly behave as if sex is just a meaningless, fun pursuit in which you treat women like objects.

I know plenty of men who find the stereotype of over-sexed dudes, lying and cheating their way into bed with women to be both untrue of their own experiences, and offensive. Just as not all women are emotional and needy about sex, not all men are chauvinistic, emotionless dickheads.

Sexual agency is, ultimately, about you choosing to do sex however you want. Whether you want to have sex often, or not until you’re married; whether you only want to sleep with one person, or dozens; whether you want to sleep with men or women; or even if you just want to sleep with yourself.
Never let anyone make you feel like you have less power over your sexual agency than anyone else.

As for Sally? Well, she’s in a happy relationship now, but she tells me she didn’t have to fake orgasms to get there. And you know what? I believe her.

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