20 sex tips to blow YOUR mind : relax or it won’t happen
Alright, I’ll admit it. I used to read the Cosmo sex advice columns. With leading headlines like ‘40 sex tips that will BLOW HIS MIND’, or ’10 sex tips that will keep him COMING back for more’, it was hard not to take a peek, just in case they really had discovered some new karma sutra-esque secret that would lead to never-ending orgasms and relationship stability in one fell swoop.
As a mature young lady, however, I soon came to the conclusion that those sex columns are bullshit. (You guys probably already knew this – I’m a sucker for a good headline). The tips are generally recycled from previous columns, and often are impractical, or heavily focussed on a (presumed male) sexual partner’s needs over yours.
When I first started having sex, I would have given anything for someone to just give me some sound, practical advice. Not ‘how to give him an orgasm he’ll never forget’, but how I could have an orgasm that I would never forget.
Or even just how to enjoy penetration without tensing up, or where some of my potential, hidden pleasure points were.
That’s why I’ve started this column – to dispense what I hope is sound, reasonable advice without the condescending (and unrealistic) undertones of a Cosmo column.
Some disclaimers:
I am choosing to write this anonymously because, well, my personal life is still personal. Also, my parents would die of shame at the thought of their child being a normal human being who has sexual intercourse, so I thought I’d spare them.
I am also a heterosexual woman in a committed relationship with a dude – so my advice comes from a hetero perspective. There will be much discussion of penises and penetration. However, I know that the ladies behind Lip would be very keen to hear from any queer writers who would like to cover sex from a queer perspective – so shoot them an email if you’re keen.
Now that’s done, here’s my first bit of advice:
Relax, or it won’t happen.
When I first started having sex, I genuinely thought there was something wrong with my vagina – I just couldn’t get anything up there! My then-sexual partner and I would try various positions, only to have me yelp in pain, seemingly unable to ‘fit’ it in.
As much as my man friend would have liked to think it was because his member was bigger than average, the issue was a simple case of me tensing up as soon as we got sexy (because I was really nervous), and as a result being both more tight, and nowhere near lubricated enough for penetration.
I literally google searched ‘why can’t I fit a penis in my vagina?’ before figuring out that if I just focussed on relaxing my pelvis, and increased the foreplay to a more satisfying amount, sex could suddenly be both easier and more fun.
It’s so easy to think there’s something wrong with you when sex doesn’t go exactly how you thought it should (especially the first few times).
But remembering that your sexual organs, like any part of your body, respond to both external and internal stimuli, can help you be more in tune with yourself, and lead to better sex in the long run.
And if you just can’t get wet enough, buy some lube (water-based are best).
20 sex tips to blow YOUR mind is an ongoing column, looking at sex from a practical and feminist standpoint. If you have a sex tip you’d especially like to impart, email Lady Lust at [email protected].
