21 minutes

(Image from Real Simple.com)

No matter how far I am in my fat acceptance journey, I still have moments where I slip up. This past Monday was one of them.

I’ve mentioned that I’ve been doing the Couch to 5K every winter for the past couple of years. This year was the first year I’d gotten past 10 straight minutes of running. Right now, I’m up to 21 minutes.

I started the program originally because I’d always been interested in running, but thought that you had to be an uber fit, muscle bound gym bunny to even attempt it. I didn’t see how I possibly could.

Until I did.

Everything was going great, I was going at my own pace, setting myself achievable goals and having fun with just zoning out for a bit.

Until Monday.

I’d taken some time off because I had been sick. I was on antibiotics and felt horrible. I got better and Monday was the first day “back on the wagon.”

I thought, once I got past that 5 minute mark, I’d be able to zone out and continue on until the 21 minutes. At about 12 minutes, I started feeling a bit light headed and puke-y, but I pushed on. Until 15, when I had to stop because I felt like I was going to faint.

Instead of worrying about my health or realising maybe I should have taken another day off, I berated myself.

I berated myself for not exercising while I was sick. I berated myself because I didn’t make that 21 minutes. I berated myself because I felt guilty.

That’s not healthy.

That night, I tried to work out why. Why I sometimes let guilt rule my life – I didn’t exercise, I bought new clothing, I got takeaway for dinner, and I blew off commitments. I know this isn’t an exclusively female feeling, and I know that some males probably feel guilty about these sorts of things too, but when I approach the males in my life with these issues, I receive looks of disbelief. When I approach females with the same issues? I get nods.

For me, it stems from perfectionism and being a bit of a control freak. I am structured and have a routine. What I have to realise is that life isn’t like that. What I have to realise is everything is not going to come crashing down if I take time off and that sometimes, I’m going to get sick. That I should listen to my body and its signals. That I should make sure I’m undertaking activities because I enjoy them, not because I feel like I “should” be doing them. That I should take it easy once and a while, especially on myself. And, finally, that I give myself permission to relax.