Little Miss Politically Incorrect – The right to choose your own title
Illustration by Hadley Hooper for TIME
Miss, Mrs or Ms.
These were the choices afforded to me on countless Centrelink forms, competition entries and mailing list subscriptions. And ever since I can remember I have chosen ‘Miss’.
First, it was an age thing. I chose the title that was most fitting to my limited years and experience. But after I turned 18 – that age where you actually start referring to yourself as an adult, weird huh? – I stuck with it. There was something in that word that fit me, that I saw in myself.
It meant young and free-spirited. It meant vivaciousness. It meant flirtatiousness. I had grown accustomed to seeing it on my key cards and bills. I was Miss Roxanne Groebel and I liked it.
But no matter how much I loved being called ‘Miss’, (especially by hunky male waiters) I could never begrudge the creation of ‘Ms’. It was an integral, if not symbolic win for feminism.
No longer were strangers privy to your marital status. ‘Ms’ stood for equality – it was the female equivalent of the title ‘Mr’.
Now, as a third-wave feminist I am all for choice. Whether a woman chooses to call herself Miss, Ms or Mrs is her business and her choice doesn’t make her any less (or more) of a feminist – really it’s all down to personal preference. So you can imagine how unpleasantly surprised I was when filling out an online job application to find the only two title options were ‘Ms’ and ‘Mrs’.
This was political correctness gone too far.
While I was studying Journalism at Uni we were taught that nowadays women were referred to as ‘Ms’ in most publications and fair enough. I mean, newspaper offices are busy places and asking every woman who is quoted in every story what her preference is would be wasting precious writing time and probably result in a dressing-down from one very stressed-out editor.
But removing ‘Miss’ from forms is another thing entirely.
I know I probably sound like a ranty, militant feminist right now. I mean why should a little word bother me? Surely there’re other, more significant forms of oppression going on. Well, that’s true.
But restricting choice for women – no matter how small that restriction might seem – is a signal of moving backwards. The symbolic action of taking away a word that women can use to identify/categorise themselves and deeming it ‘inappropriate’ means a more limited way of viewing and representing ourselves.
In this instance, political correctness teaches us that ‘empowered women of today’ don’t want to be referred to as ‘Miss’ because of the old-fashioned girly connotations attached to the word. Which basically means that most of society still views us feminists as rigid, stuck-up prudes who would be offended by the word ‘Miss’ because it concurs with a traditionally feminine notion.
Which is very far from the truth.
It’s almost as stupid as restricting how much makeup women wear on the grounds that makeup is only used to attract men and makes women feel bad about themselves.
Well guess what? I wear makeup, shave my legs, enjoy wearing mini-skirts and would really love to be referred to as ‘Miss’. And that doesn’t make me anti-feminist. I just wish that rather than ‘fixing’ things everyone THINKS offend feminists, we could focus on actual oppression against women.
And here’s a phrase you thought you would never hear from a feminist’s mouth.
Why are people so uptight?
There, I said it.
By Roxanne Groebel
The omission of Miss on government forms surprises me. I agree, it has long been my crutch as I grasp the last years of youth, before I become a Mrs or Ms.
Since Canberra have taken it upon themselves to strike my favourite salutation from my list of options, I now feel a compulsion to study a postgraduate degree, so I can attain a title every bit as pretentious as they are. Not only will people confuse me with a medical professional in emergency situations, but I’ll be gender-ambiguous until meeting or that dreaded and polarising question, male or female…
Like the article 🙂
I couldn’t agree more. I too am thoroughly ticked off at the omission of “Miss” from forms.
I have stuck with “Miss” all of my life, way past my youth, partly through perversity (I like to keep the other side guessing) and partly to challenge any notion that my chosen single status is anything to be concealed.
There’s a reason the title for young men, ‘Master’ is hardly used anymore – it’s outdated, needless and completely irrelevant. As are the terms ‘Miss’ and ‘Mrs’.
It hardly seems appropriate that the title you use for yourself should convey any sense of your flirtatiousness or vivacity. Surely a title – whether for man or woman – should be used as a marker of your own dignity. There is a time and a place for the others, and this is not it.
I’m still gasping for air….how old are you ?
Seriously.
I’m in my fifties and am appalled,saddened,surprised by Roxanne’s views. My dear girl, Miss Roxy, you’ve got it wrong. And yes I mean to sound patronising.
Miss identifies a woman as single, not more or less feminine that Ms. You really think the term Miss is around so we gals can sound cute ???
Come on my girl read a bit of history. I use the term Ms as it gives me the same privacy as men who use term, gee there are so many of them….oh that’s right MR. Only the one, just identifying his gender, not his marital status.
And the leap from Miss/Ms to make-up ????? Tell you didn’t take women studies cause someone has failed you.
And who uses the term uptight or even feminist anymore? Other then those people still living in the 70’s. And yes I was alive then.
You’ve missed the point.
I’m surprised that people have agreed with you. The term ‘Miss’ has nothing to do with youth, flirtatiousness or being ashamed of being single, but everything to do with the history of women being controlled and belittled by society for something as simple as their marital status.
The history behind the term and the creation of the ‘Ms’ alternative more than justifies the removal of Miss. There is no need for the term anymore – or even the term ‘Mrs’. One should not be defined by their connection to another man or woman, and the connotations that you ascribe to the term Miss in choosing to adopt it are nothing more than that – imaginary attributes.
You don’t sound like a ranty feminist at all, because this article doesn’t seem at all like a feminist one. Removing the option isn’t restricting choice, and it certainly has nothing to do with a distate for any of the supposed “traditionally feminine notion[s]” that you imagine.
My mother has been a Ms her whole life – before, during and after marriage. I would urge you to consider the same.
I’ve heard a pretty good rule of thumb, that if you flip around the gender roles in something and it seems ridiculous, then it’s probably sexist. Imagine a guy wanting a different title because it suggested youth and “cuteness” to him … it’s a completely absurd notion. So why is it still around for women?
Feminism should be about choice, sure, but that would be assuming that all our choices are created equal.
This is one of the best articles I’ve read about choice feminism: http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/choice-feminism-isn%27t-a-choice
(And I do realise that the removal of ‘Miss’ on government forms seems to be giving women fewer choices, but when one of the options deliberately brands you as unmarried and a girl [as opposed to a woman], I question what kind of choice it really is.)
I’m not sure if I will change my name when/if I get married – I suspect it’ll have more to do with whether I’ve accrued any stalkers rather than my beliefs about changing my name (half-joke) – but I intend to stay a ‘Ms’.
“(And I do realise that the removal of ‘Miss’ on government forms seems to be giving women fewer choices, but when one of the options deliberately brands you as unmarried and a girl [as opposed to a woman], I question what kind of choice it really is.)”
Quoting Dunja here, and I gotta say, I really agree. I have never been comfortable being referred to as a “Miss” because whenever it was used to refer to me, it came across as patronising and belittling the poor little female.
Ever since I could fill out forms I chose Ms. and will continue to do so even if I did get married. And, as a side note, I’m keeping my last name. I have connection to it, my older brother isn’t planning on children (and I think the idea of the man carrying on the last name is outdated anyway) and I feel it’s a way to honor my Polish background.
While it doesn’t make sense to me why this form chose to retain “Mrs.” and only get rid of “Miss”, it is good to see some of these outdated titles go. It shouldn’t matter anymore whether a woman is married or unmarried, but seeing “Miss” and “Mrs.” given everywhere as legitimate options might actually reinforce these old-fashioned ideas. Because titles are there to give other people information about you that is important socially; if they were meant to have anything to do with your personality, it would be pretty appalling to only have three possibilities!
I’m curious as to why they chose to remove “Miss” but keep “Mrs” – I’d have removed both.
I’m a “Ms” and like Dunja, I intend to not only stay a “Ms” after I’m married (which, incidentally, will be the case in six short weeks) but keep my surname as well. Why should I advertise that I’m “somebody’s wife” on government forms? I just don’t see the point.
On a slightly related note, a couple of weeks back my boyfriend mentioned to some family that I will be holding on to my name. After the initial shock and Oh-Em-Gees, one of my younger (male) relatives said, “Why aren’t you changing your name? Isn’t that the point of getting married?” I thought it best to keep quiet and save my feminist rant for lip’s comment section 🙂
Just a note on the entomology of the male honorific. ‘Boy’ originally for young male workers. ‘Master’ was for young males of the upper classes. It was more a case of if you were young and ever had reason to give a title you were important enough to have the title of master.
Of course the reason Master was dropped from language is because for some reason some women don’t like calling a man Master.
This issue can be looked at the other way. Should men have a way of signifying if they are married or not? In the past it didn’t matter because a man was defined by his work and family was that other thing he occasionally saw at a distance. Now that men are primary caregivers of children and are evening their work/ life balance an option to take pride in family could be a good thing.
Wow. I can’t believe I really caused a stir!
As I said I’m all for choice and so everyone is entitled to refer to themselves as a Miss, Mrs or Ms. It’s about personal choice.
And thanks to Miss Jessica and Miss Susan! High five. It would be very interesting if you turned out to be the youngest women who commented on this. Maybe that’s why we get each other??
@Serrin, Why should flirtatiousness or vivacity cancel out dignity?
@Shanee, all I can do is LOL. You sound patronising and out of touch. I didn’t fail at gender studies, I didn’t even take gender studies. Mostly because I think that it’s usually pretty out of touch and they have people like you teaching it. And people of my generation do use the word ‘feminist’ and ‘uptight’ all the time. I bet you disapprovingly tsk tsk at strippers and sex workers and hate that women my age reclaim the word slut. Oh and I really love sounding cute by the way. #thirdwavefemforthewin
@Rose, ‘I should consider doing the same’…? Sorry, not happening. And they aren’t ‘imaginary attributes’ to me. I render my identity and use titles, clothes, behaviour, my sexuality the way I want to. This doesn’t make me any less of a feminist or more so.
Everyone else you bring up some great points and I stand by my comment that you are entitled to have those views. I just think in this age of reclaiming female slurs, people would be more open to women calling themselves Miss.
I suppose I don’t mind the ‘poor little miss’ connotation because then when people meet me and see that I’m strong willed and tattooed and pierced they freak out.
I’m not going to respond to your responses, because that would clearly serve for naught.
Instead, I’d like to express my extreme distaste that you choose to buttress your argument by casting aspersions on people’s characters rather than sticking to the merits (?) of your own opinions-
“I bet you disapprovingly tsk tsk at strippers and sex workers and hate that women my age reclaim the word slut”
There was absolutely no reason why you should say that. Even if it were true, which you could have no way of knowing, why should this render Shanee’s opinion less valid? When did this debate degenerate to the point where this is what passes for an appropriate defense?
Because I don’t really care to participate in such a mud-slinging battle, this shall be my last comment. All I have left is a little advice: Roxanne, learn how to properly argue your point and keep your crystal ball divinations of people’s characters to yourself.
Roxanne, I’m not sure how old you are but at my ripe age of 23, I suspect we’re rather definitively of the same generation. This isn’t a question of some people being out of touch or older; reclaiming the word slut isn’t something that young feminists do, it’s something that young feminists are very divided over.
I for one hate that women your/our age reclaim the word slut, but I don’t think that has anything to do with their preference to be called ‘Miss’.
Debates are excellent and strongly encouraged! But as Serrin said, let’s stick to the arguments at hand and not make judgments about one another.
@Serrin: Though I understand what you’re saying (I do, I mean that sincerely) I have to disagree. If your person or sexuality is eschewed by a combination of factors and you feel your title reflects, at least in part, that prevailing identity, it does not lack dignity. A title is just another attribution, not a marker; it is your comportment that marks that trait. Furthermore, to be flirtatious or vivacious isn’t to be without poise, but secure and self-confident.
Regarding the dying masculine terms, perhaps we should be concerned on a humanistic level, as Andrew said, and question why their aren’t matrimonial equivalents on the male side of the fence? I don’t feel Mrs to be irrelevant. I find the original, patriarchal constructs around marriage irrelevant, considering women make an active choice between Ms and Mrs daily, as they should be empowered to do.
@Shahnee:Perhaps a better question would be, how old are you? You certainly aren’t acting your stated age.
If you disagree with the message, that’s fine, but you have a choice between communicating and condescending.
Miss does identify a woman as “unmarried,” not single. I am not single and continue my Miss affiliation. If the OP finds feminity in a certain title or enjoys a subjective context from it, she’s no different from you. To you, Miss is functional – to her, it’s fun.
Uptight and feminist are used separately and in conjunction often. Congratulations, you were alive when sex was free, drugs were plenty and feminism was more than quibbling over titles with some girl on the internet. She may have missed the point, but you’ve yet to state one.
@Rose: Really, why?
Because I’m unwilling to allow the etymology of a word and archaic definitions make me uncomfortable about marking myself as an unmarried woman? Women were not controlled through their titles, but via socialisation, familial pressures, surveillance and extreme dichotomies rooted in unreasonable/ludicrous psychological and biological assumption. Women were guilty of belitting women for their marital status — though the modern appropriation is being exhibited now, when you’re belittling somebody for being comfortable with advertising status and seemingly mocking old conventions. Shame isn’t exerted by titles, but by labelling and social control. Women were and still are controlled by methods more cunning than whether or not we’re married.
It isn’t really very feminist of you to dictate what women should and should not be doing with their titles. Their is no shame, nothing at all wrong with being Mrs opposed to Ms. If it followed the formula of Mrs (Man’s first name – surname), then yes, you’d have a point. But if somebody wants to be a Mrs, you’re hardly in the position to judge her choice and happiness.
@Dunja(1): All I can say is government forms allowed us a choice between Mrs, Ms and Miss. Most of us were self-titled and I think that’s a point being missed here a lot. To retain the right to title oneself is not a questionable choice.
I guess I didn’t phrase myself too well which may have helped things get out of hand, so I’m going to clarify my views here.
The message I got from this article was that the author likes and uses the term ‘Miss’ because of various attributes (youth, flirtatiouness, etc) which she believes the term implies. In reality, ‘miss’ only states an implies one thing – that the female concerned is unmarried. This is the truth behind the meaning of the term. I also gathered that the author did not care about the term’s history – or really that she did not think abuot it at all. Now, this may not be true; but that’s what the article says. I cannot know what it doesn’t say.
No mention or reason for reclaiming the term was given, so my comment was not directed at this. I apologise if I seemed to be disallowing/whatever Roxanne’s/anyone’s feminism, as that was not my intention. What I did mean was that describing/presenting oneself as any certain thing (in this case a ‘miss’) because of attributes/characteristics that are merely imagined and are not factual (the vivaciousness) doesn’t seem like an overly feminist thing to do; moreover, it’s not something that I consider to be positive for anybody, feminist or not. Roxanne seemed to me to say that she chose Miss because she wanted to appear girly and cute, which to me is not feminist – not that it’s explicitly *un*feminist, it’s just that coupled with her reasoning it doesn’t exactly ring the bell for equality.
So that’s why I said what I did, and I stand by that.
As an aside, I highly suggest reading the choice article Dunja linked to, I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the past few days.
Acting my age ??? Ouch that hurt. So you’re a feminist who is an Ageist. Good for you. LOL
Did you know that in some parts of France they are removing the title Mademoiselle from legal documents. It would appear that feminists there believe it invades their privacy.Nothing to do with age.
Once upon a time women wouldn’t get hired because they were married and would probably leave and have babies. Oops , sorry that still happens. Hence I use the title Ms. because it gives me privacy.
Feminism has NOTHING to with femininity.
We fought for equality, freedom of choice and women’s rights generally here and all over the world.
It still feels like some females are missing the point.
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